James Schlarmann

DeSantis Offers $5,000 to Any Cop With COVID That Makes Out With Him

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- The Governor of Florida is bound and determined to get police officers unvaccinated against COVID-19 to consider moving to his state. Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q), who keeps assuring his constituents he's not eyeing a 2024 presidential bid,...

Jim Jordan Won’t Admit the Election Wasn’t Stolen or That Trump’s Balls Don’t Taste Like Candy

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- There are few in Congress more fiercely loyal to former President Don Trump than Rep. Gym Jordan (Q-OH). Jordan's devotion to Trump is so complete that even now, nine months after Joe Biden was sworn in, and...

Scientists Discovered the Missing Link. You’ll Never Guess Which State Sent Her to Congress!

For nearly as long as the theory of evolution has existed, scientists have been documenting the changes -- big and small -- that species have undergone over eons and eons of development. One thing that has eluded them, however,...

Senator Coalfarts McFuckface Doesn’t Want Infrastructure Plan to Pay for Clean Air or Water

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Democrats on the Hill all seem to know the stakes. Time is running out before next year's mid-terms, and if the scores of breathless op-eds written on the subject are to be believed, they could lose control...

Boebert Demands to Know Why FDA Still Hasn’t Approved Bleach Injection Booster

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) counts herself among some of the most strident and outspoken followers and devotees of the MAGA political movement. Ms. Boebert, who up to the point she was elected to Congress was most...

Greene Vows to ‘Never Rest’ Until She Finds Who Dropped a House On Her Sister’s Head

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) received some heartbreaking news. Her sister was killed last night in what authorities are calling a "freak weather-related incident." Greene, however, is confident her sister was killed after a...

Oklahoma Man Extradited to Texas After Being Caught Spanking It in Dallas

GILEAD COUNTY, TEXAS -- Officials with the Texas State Sex Fluid and Biomatter Protection Agency are reporting this morning that they have 35-year-old Fred Franklin in custody. Franklin had been wanted in connection to an alleged attempted genocide of millions...

Coulter and Greene to Race at Churchill Downs for Charity

Two of America's favorite female equine-Americans have agreed to race for charity, according a joint press release. "The Congressional Office of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, in partnership with succubus and author Ann Coulter, are pleased to announce that a race...

Man Outraged FBI Called Him About Death Threat He Issued to Son’s Third Grade Teacher

LOS TERRORISTAS BLANCOS, CALIFORNIA -- Many Americans who live in other states have come to view California as a big, blue monolith. After years of progressive politics dominating the state legislature, and considering California hasn't gone for a Republican presidential...

Republicans Race to Defend One of Their Own After Bathroom Confrontation

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressional Republicans have begun to close ranks and circle the wagons in defense of one of their strongest allies -- Democratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona. On Twitter, insurrectionist, pro-MAGA Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) blasted conservative CNN...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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DeSantis Offers $5,000 to Any Cop With COVID That Makes Out With Him

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- The Governor of Florida is bound and determined to get police officers unvaccinated against COVID-19 to...
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