NRA Spokesman: Time Between Mass Shootings Shows An ‘Appalling Lack Of Freedom and Liberty’ In Australia

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — This morning, as the world grieves over the first mass shooting in Australia in over 20 years, the NRA says that amount of time between such incidents should “scare the holy living hell” out of every citizen living there.

Authorities today said that seven people — four of them children — were found dead of apparent gun shot wounds at a home in Perth. The home is in the rural, western parts of Australia. It’s unclear at this time what the motive for the domestic shooting was. It’s the first such mass shooting casualty in Australia since the 1996 Port Arthur school shooting that claimed the lives of thirty five people. That incident sparked a national outcry over semi-automatic weapons which culminated a massive gun buyback program and stricter gun laws.

Just how much a role the buyback and gun reforms played in keeping the country free from mass shootings for twenty years is a subject for study and debate, however the National Rifle Association’s deputy chief media liaison Cash Gachette told reporters outside the NRA headquarters in Virginia this morning that two decades passing between mass shootings “isn’t a sign of anything good” and that “Australians should be shocked and alarmed at how much freedom they’re missing.”

“Here’s the thing, as sad as we all get about the people who die in mass shootings, the simple fact is that guns are an intrinsic human right and limiting them means you hate freedom,” Gachette told reporters. “That’s because there is literally nothing else on this beautiful flat earth of ours that represents freedom and liberty like a semi-automatic rifle with armor piercing rounds.”

Mr. Gachette believes it’s “liberal folly” to assume that going two decades between mass shootings is a good thing.

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“You can’t have mass shootings in a country where you have no guns, can you? Therefore, mass shootings are a vital, necessary part of any country that has a glorious Second Amendment right to own an implement of murder,” Gachette said. “Therefore, the NRA argues that a country with no mass shootings is a country with no liberty or freedom at all.”

The NRA believes that “there are only two choices — all guns or no guns” and so regulations that those that exist in Australia fall into the no guns category, Gachette said.

“Frankly I’d be angry as hell at my government if I were Australian,” Gachette said. “I’d be demanding they bring back the guns and the mass shootings. You don’t have any idea what freedom feels like unless you’re losing at minimum a hundred kids a year to school shootings, triple that number in domestic shootings.”

Gachette gave the people of Australia an offer from the NRA as he closed out his press conference.

“If the good people of Australia — the clean, red-blooded, Christian, ammo hoarding patriotic ones — want the NRA to come down there and fix their government like we fixed ours, we’d be more than happy to oblige,” Gachette insisted. “That’s because the NRA will protect the rights of gun manufacturers to increase their revenue at all costs, no matter how many oceans divide us.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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