Atheist Nevada Judge Orders Foster Child Removed from Mormon Family Home

GOLD BAR, NEVADA — Judge Bill Westerman is making national headlines today after having just ordered a foster child removed from its host parents’ home on the grounds that the foster parents are Mormon and, according to Judge Westerman, that means the child will be “exposed to dangerous, historically inaccurate tall tales” and “a tradition of devaluing women” as well as “rampant, virulent homophobia that has no place in modern society.”

Judge Westerman, citing a case in Utah being heard by Judge Scott Johansen, says that he will use his “personal views on religion” to guide his “secular, legal decision.” Westerman told reporters that he “would much rather not have the courts wield the Bible when making their decision” but that “what’s good for the homophobic goose is sauce for the homophobic gander.” Judge Westerman said he has “seen plenty of peer-reviewed science that shows children need loving homes” but that none of the research he’s seen “implies it has to be a heterosexual couple that the child is raised by.”

“Frankly, the separation of church and state should apply in this case, as well as in the case up in Utah,” Westerman said, “and I’d love to go back to that sometime. But I can’t sit idly by and watch someone abuse their seat on the bench in such a heinous way without making an example of them.” Westerman said he was “saddened that this orphan will have to go back to an orphanage” but that “it’s no different than the child up in Utah being ripped from their loving mothers’ arms simply because they do sex stuff on each other.”

The case came before Judge Westerman as a standard review of the child’s case, much like in Utah with Judge Johansen. In that Utah case, lawyers for the two women who had their foster child forcefully removed from their home are accusing the judge of forcing his religious beliefs on them, as he is a member the Mormon Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The women were allowed to take in the foster child after the Supreme Court ruled earlier this summer that states could not discriminate against homosexuals when it came to applying for marriage licenses from the state. Johansen decided on his own accord to pull the child from the lesbian couple, citing what he says was scientific evidence supporting his claim that homosexual families hurt children.

“If Johansen up there in Utah can pull that crap,” Westerman said, “then I can use my own personal views as an Atheist to pull children out of Mormon homes. After all, I don’t agree with polygamy, and even though I know that not every Mormon is a polygamist, I’m going to make the same generalizations about them that homophobes make about gay people.” Westerman told reporters that he doesn’t “want children exposed to views that allow others to be harmed” and he doesn’t “want children thinking that young women are just sex slaves for their male masters,” and that is why he is anti-Mormon and will start having more and more children removed from Mormon foster homes.

“I find the whole Mormon religion to be threatening to not only children, but to humanity,” Judge Westerman said, adding that “normally [he would] keep [his] opinions” to himself, but “not this time” because thanks to Johansen in Utah, “we now live in a world where judges get to pretend the rules don’t apply to them.”  Westerman said though, that as soon as Judge Johansen issues an apology and rescinds his order that he will do the same because “the way it’s supposed to work is we follow the law and keep our personal shit out of it,” and that’s exactly how he’d prefer things to stay.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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