WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the fourth consecutive year, the asshole who lives in the White House has chosen his Halloween costume, and he’s chosen to dress up as the President of the United States of America.
Word is, the asshole resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue really went for it this year. He wanted his costume to be as accurate as possible, according to several sources, and spared no expense. He made sure to get himself into a very large suit, with a duster jacket somehow even larger, making his already small extremities look like they’re absolutely swimming in his jacket and pant cuffs. Upon his cloven feet, the asshole wore shoes with seven-inch heels on them, to appear taller.
Before getting into his expensive suit with the comically long red tie, however, the asshole had himself completely doused with orange house paint, making sure to secure goggles over his face, and to cover his mouth. Then, he had “the look” of the president — namely, that of a tangerine-tinted racoon with a rat’s nest on his head. In order to achieve that rat’s nest look, the asshole called in the very same poor excuse of a human being who has to style the president’s hair. It was quite the bigly honor to be made-up to look like the president by the very people who attempt to make the president look human.
Reportedly, the asshole really enjoys dressing up and pretending to be the President of the United States. He loves it so much, in fact, that he put on his costume back in January of 2017, months before Halloween, and hasn’t really stopped pretending to be be president since. Current polling seems to indicate that this will probably be the asshole’s final year living in the White House, though apparently he’s not worried about that.
“Whether or not the asshole in question is living here next year or not, doesn’t really matter,” one source close to the situation insisted to us. “If he loses, he’ll just continue pretending to be president, even as they’re escorting him off the White House grounds and changing the locks on all the doors.”
Despite the covid-19 global pandemic, and despite having contracted the virus personally, the asshole intends to still hand out candy to trick or treaters. However, the White House isn’t anticipating very many children coming by. They do, however, expect a whole host of Republican congresspeople.
“Ted Cruz told us last week he hates candy but loves the tastes of this guy’s butthole,” our source said. “So we expect he’ll probably be here all night. Hopefully he lets Lindsey Graham have a lick or two, because Lindsey gets really anxious when he feels like he’s not the belle of the balls, if you know what I mean.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.