WASHINGTON, D.C. — By special request from Russian President Vladimir Putin, President Donald Trump has enlisted the Army Corps of Engineers to install a new, “all seeing, all powerful eye” on top of Trump Tower. Mr. Putin reportedly reached out to Trump via a special communication network of string and tin cans that stretches thousands of miles below the surface of the Pacific Ocean, across the North American Continent, and into the White House. Sources say Putin calls it his, “Little Bitch Hotline.”
The eye will be constructed of “the most advanced materials Earth or Middle Earth has to offer,” Trump said, and will cost “roughly a billion dollars,” which the reality-TV star says the taxpayers will “gladly pay to keep their dear president safe.” Plans are for the eye to be able to detect and warn President Trump before Special Counsel Robert Mueller can approach Trump without warning. Mueller’s probe is set to release its first indictments tomorrow, and that has Trump and Putin wanting to shore up their defenses, sources say.
“I won’t need no friggin’ daily intelligence briefings once this giant, flaming, all-seeing eye is installed on top of my big, beautiful building,” President Trump quipped, “and I gotta be able to tell when someone is trying to get the drop on me.”
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“President Putin, my dear, dear friend who I DID NOT COLLUDE WITH IN ANYWAY FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!,” Trump explained, “said to me that I should build the eye. And he insisted. Like really, really insisted. Hard.”
The eye will be designed and constructed by Sow-Ron Tech, a defense contractor that has worked with the army on several other key projects. Once designed, the army corps of engineers will be tasked with assembling and installing the eye on top of Trump Tower. The president told reporters he hopes the eye will “put to rest any security concerns” Americans might have.
“Let’s just say that there’s something I’m looking for, okay,” Trump said, “like some super powerful weapon that can give anyone who possesses it the power to rule the world. And let’s just say that weapon has been taken by little, short, fat, hairy people to where little, fat, short, hairy people live…like Kentucky. Thanks to this eye I’m having installed, I’ll be able to find that weapon as soon as someone tries to use it. Pretty smart of me to have it installed, I know. You don’t have to say it too, but go ahead, because I like to hear it.”
Reached for comment, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer questioned the need for an all-powerful eye, but said that he’d take a “wait and see” approach about it.
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“As an American,” Schumer said, “I’m really nervous and upset by the idea of our president having some omnipotent eye installed at his house to spy on us. But as a Democrat, I’m not sure I’ll have the spine or gumption to do literally even the smallest thing possible about it. So…”
The Eye of Trump is slated for completion in the second quarter of 2018.
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.