Women living in Arkansas have 90 days from this Friday to register all their reproductive organs with the state’s new uterine registry database.
This new requirement is due to the signing of a nearly total ban on abortions in the state. In an effort to help streamline investigations into miscarriages and stillbirths, Arkansas now requires all women to register their genitals so that their menstrual cycles can be tracked, monitored, and recalled if one of their pregnancies should terminate without permission from the Arkansas governor.
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“This is a great new way for our lovely state to protect the unborn,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who has thrown her hoof into the ring in the upcoming governor’s race, said on Fox News this morning. “There might be a super-socialist-liberal in the White House, but out here in Gravy Country, we’re still lovin’ all up on God’s gift — babies. Until they’re born. Then absolutely fuck them, but if there’s a way to make women-folk into sex slaves, we’re all about it.”
Huckabee, through chews of deep fried nachos, said that she thinks if she’s elected she’ll “personally inspect and survey” thousands of vaginae.
“How else can we ensure the safety of every fertilized egg to their full gestation? It may sound crazy out on the elite coastal cities,” Huckabee Sanders explained and farted simultaneously, “but here in MAGAstan, it makes sense, and there ain’t no nothin’ you can do about it either, HollyWEIRD!”
By law, any woman who doesn’t register her reproductive tract with the state will be subjected to the harshest penalty ever conceived of in any municipality in the country, in the nation’s history.
“Failure to comply will result in having to spend one hour apiece, alone, with either Ted Cruz, Stephen Miller, or Matt Gaetz,” the law reads.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.