PORCINE FALLS, ARKANSAS — Holding a press conference at a local barbecue restaurant and laundromat, John Haineux explained to reporters that while he’s glad his state passed a sweeping, anti-LGBT law that forbids local municipalities within Arkansas to pass laws barring discrimination against members of the LGBT community, it’s not enough, and he wants “gaydar” installed everywhere in Arkansas.
Haineux is the local president of the Porcine Falls Republicans. He’s been in talks with a few members of his party in his state’s legislature about a new bill. John says the law “will help business owners and city and county employees spot a gay” as soon as possible, letting them begin discriminating against an LGBT person sooner rather than later.
“We not only support the right of any individual to discriminate against another individual based on the first individual’s religious beliefs,” said Haineux, “we want them to be able to do so as early in the interaction as possible.” Haineux says that “only a Communist, Socialist, Sharia Law loving country would try to keep a good, God-fearing patriot from his constitutional duty to deny vital goods and services to people based on finding the sexual activities they participate in with other adults ‘icky.'”
The Install Gaydar in All The Buildings in Arkansas Bill would set aside $15 million to install devices in each and every building in Arkansas — both private and public sector — that would allow someone monitoring the situation from a security office to alert everyone in the building that “a gay was fixin’ to enter an establishment or government office,” said Haineux.
“It’s really quite simple, “Haineux explained, “we have always been a nation built totally and completely on Judeo-Christian values and nothing else ever.”
Therefore, according to Haineux the notion of “separation of church and state” is merely a suggestion, and nowhere in the Constitution does it say that his state can’t “alert people who want to know they’re about to have to interact with another human being who is only different than you on a very shallow, superficial way but otherwise is made up of the same building blocks of life we all are.”
Haineux says he knows the bill “won’t be popular with the uppity gays” but that “they can just suck one.”
“in America,” Haineux insisted, “freedom means telling someone they can’t buy your goods or services because they do something sexually you are under no obligation to participate in or even condone just by selling them something.”
Haineux believes “government employees who fear the wrath of Sweet, Gay-Adverse Baby Jesus” should feel similarly protected from having to interact with a “scary, dangerous gay person out to ruin America with their radical ‘let us get married like everyone else’ agenda.”
Then Haineux gave those in attendance a demonstration of how the equipment works. Haineux told the barbecue and laundromat to turn on their gaydar equipment he had installed. He then shouted, “Release the gays!” Dozens of Arkansans walked into the business, but nothing happened. No alarms. No sirens.
“Well, of course we’re still perfecting the technology that would let you determine if someone is a gay simply by scanning them for certain gay traits,” explained Haineux. “But that doesn’t mean,” he continued, “that the state of Arkansas can’t invest in the protection of its citizens’ freedom of religion and install these devices — provided by my company at a really reasonable rate — does it?”
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Reporters asked Haineux if he felt another state enacting similar legislation, but allowing Christians to be discriminated was “fair” and representative of “American values.” Haineux reflected for a moment then answered, “No. Of course not. That’s different. People don’t choose to be Christians. You’re just born into it and then have to make a conscious decision at some point to keep practicing the religion. Gays are, well, gay. Why knows why they are, but clearly it’s a choice they are making. Just like we all made the decision to be straight when we hit puberty, right?”
Haineux told reporters right now he doesn’t have the votes needed to get his proposal through, but he is working the channels of communication, and is hopeful “my party will do the right thing by way of our invisible friend in the sky who told us to love everyone equally, especially those we don’t want to love” but he is willing to play the long game. “Look at abortion. The baby killing liberal Nazis thought they had struck a good balance with Roe v. Wade, but we never went away. No matter how nonsensical it is, we always have, and will always continue to fight for the rights of nondescript, rudimentary parasitic lifeforms to take precedence over the fully-developed life form it depends on to survive for at least the first 20 weeks of gestation.
We’ll wait the gays out too. It’s just a matter of time. We will regulate every vagina and penis in this great nation. Because that’s what God and Jesus clearly would want us doing with our time.”
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.