Experts Say Arkansas Abortion Ban Could Mean State Sees 100,000% Increase in Cousin-Siblings

Arkansas, which consistently ranks near the bottom in every statistical analysis of the states, has passed a near total ban on abortions.

While the new law is almost certain to be taken to the courts, where it might even end up being heard by the Supreme Court, some preliminary studies show that if it’s left in place, the abortion ban could end up spiking the population of a subsect of Arkansans that already make up a healthy portion of the state’s populace.


“What we’re seeing, when we take into account multiple factors, what-have-yous, and whatnots, is that if this abortion ban stands, there could be an explosion in the cousin-sibling population like we’ve never seen before,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the University of Arkansas Bay told us today. “There are already thousands of cousin-siblings in the state. A scenario that forces every pregnancy to full-term could cause the incestual American population in the state to absolutely, positively explode.”

Hornaydieux said his calculations also show the Razorback State could see some other “massive changes.”

“Because there could be so many more cousin-siblings in Arkansas, within a generation, they’ll see all the hallmarks of overpopulation,” Hornaydieux said. “That means there will be enormous lines at Chick-Fil-A, and parking at the state’s WalMart’s will be incredibly hard to find. I’d also expect a ton more megachurches will need to be built to house all those good, clean, ammo hoarding, cousin-siblings when they want to worship god.”

The topic of abortion is sure to stay a hot one. However, more and more Americans are considering themselves pro-choice. Earlier this week, we reported results of a poll that showed 90% of Americans want to invent time travel just to convince Ted Cruz’s mom to abort him.

Roughly seven out of every ten respondents to a new survey conducted by We Poll You So Hard and YouOpine said they would support dedicating federal funding toward inventing time travel. However, that number jumped another 20% when survey takers were asked “What if time travel was only for going back in time and convincing Ted Cruz’s mother to be pro-choice?”  According to Carol Carolsby, media liaison for We Poll You, said in a statement this is “one of the most clear and undeniable results” she’s ever seen in her career in public polling. (NRN)

With the current 6-3 conservative makeup on the Supreme Court, conservatives are hoping to get the court to rescind its landmark Roe Vs. Wade decision, and send the abortion question back to the states for good.



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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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