Arizona Republicans File Bill Making it Illegal to Register as a Democrat

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — If a new bill just filed by Republicans in the Arizona state legislature makes it way onto the governor’s desk and is signed into law, the Democratic Party may see its ranks evaporate overnight.

In HB 0001, language exists that will bar the Democratic Party from registering voters, and will force it to purge their rolls on January 1st, 2022. The bill is part of a growing, sweeping set of election reforms the QOP is pushing in several states in response to losing the Senate and White House last November. Convinced that they were cheated out of a victory, Republicans in many states have been attempting to make it harder for Democrats to vote.

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“Some bills may try to put obstacles in front of a person voting for a Democrat,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen, a Republican, told us today, “but I support HB 0001 because it acknowledges that those obstacles may not be enough, and it’s time to associate a real penalty, a true cost, with voting for someone other than a Republican. You know, freedom.”

Arizona may now be emerging as a purple, or even blue state with its two Democratic Senators, however the Republicans still control the governor’s mansion and the state legislatures. Therefore, the penalties for registering as a Democrat would be quite harsh, if HB 0001 passes.

“Oh, it will definitely be a capital offense, no doubt about it. We will certainly seek the death penalty if we catch people trying to be Democrats after the bill becomes law,” Thompaulsen assured us. “You know, liberty.”

Rep. Thompaulsen says that Sen. Mark Kelly, a Democrat, will have a “tough choice to make.” He can either become a Republican, or face the firing squad. However, Thompaulsen suspects that Arizona’s other Senator, Kyrsten Sinema, may not have issues with switching parties.

“When I saw her vote down the minimum wage increase the other day and she was so happy about it, I was actually under the impression she might already have joined the Republican Party,” Thompaulsen admitted. “So for her, I think it won’t be too tough a call.”

HB 0001 will be debated by the Arizona House later this year.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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