Area Klansman ‘Relieved’ He No Longer Has to Choose Between Cruz and Trump

HOBART, ARKANSAS — Ryan Phillips is a 48-year old, card carrying, robe wearing member of his local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. He hopes one day to be the Grand Wizard as his great-grandfather, grandfather, and father before him all have been, and he is tremendously excited that Donald J. Trump has cleared the Republican presidential field because now he has “the easiest and best choice to make” in the General Election, and there aren’t any “traditional, subtle bigots” left to stand in his way to the GOP’s nomination.

“I would have done the usual Republican thing,” Phillips told us, “and voted for a guy who supports racist, sexist, xenophobic, Islamaphobic, and homophobic policies but in a quiet way.” But, Phillips told us that he would like to “thank God Trump came along and knocked everyone out.” Phillips told our reporter it “makes [his] choice so much easier, and frankly, better.”

Phillips feels that he has “just as much right to be proud of my bigotry as other people are of their dark skin, or rich cultural traditions I am intimidated by because I was sheltered from them.”

“I’m tired of hiding my racism under a bushel,” Ryan said, “I’m gonna let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine.”

Mr. Phillips said that hasn’t always been a Trump supporter, and that even though he voted for him in his state’s primary, he wasn’t entirely sure of his vote, and was “taking a chance that Trump’s embrace of American racism for the sake of votes was real, and not just a gimmick. Ryan was “utterly relieved” this week when Mr. Trump made his California delegate selections.

“I wasn’t even totally convinced,” Ryan told us, “until I saw that Trump picked that white nationalist as a delegate in California. What a genius stroke, if you ask this klansman.” Ryan says that Trump’s selection sends “a clear message to America’s finest and most dedicated racists” that he’s “their guy.”

Ryan also told us he feels a “truly historical” connection to Trump.

“This has to be what it was like voting for the greatest president of all time, Jefferson Davis,” Ryan told us, “because not since Jeff Davis have we had a guy so willing to tell it like it is on race and whatnot. George Wallace was close but then he got shot. So I feel like me getting to vote for Trump is like my great, great grandpappy voting for Jeff Davis. It’s a tremendous feeling to let your Confederate Flag fly and your lower case T’s burn!”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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