Man Sufficiently Apathetic About Crossing Off New Year Resolution To Accept Reality Of Meaningless Existence

Every year, millions of people make New Year’s resolutions. Some want to get skinny, some want to put on weight and bulk up. Some want to quit smoking, others want to try recreational marijuana for the first time. New Year’s resolutions are goals, simply put, for the coming year. And David Brisbane of Port Michael, Arizona has already crossed every resolution of his list.

Of course, Mr. Brisbane only had one resolution to begin with.

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“I started 2018 wanting to simply stop having panic attacks about the unavoidable, black shroud of death that will consume us all, eventually,” Brisbane tells us. “And I wanted to just accept the reality of all our meaningless, random existences.”

Brisbane said he awoke on January 1st, already feeling close to accepting how nothing matters and we’re all just a “random, cosmic jizz shot.”

“I mean,” David mused, “what if the chaos machine had worked out a different way and instead of the atoms that would form your eventual ancestors, without whom you’d never been here, and instead been used by the forces of nature to create, say, a cat’s anus? So yeah, we’re all just here by some random chance.”

By the time the second day of 2018 rolled around, David was ready to cross his one and only resolution off.

“I woke up and suddenly it hit me — if nothing matters and it’s all just a big game of jazz improvisation we do until the day we draw our last, useless breath, I don’t have to care. About anything, literally,” David told us.

So now that he’s accomplished all his goals for the year, Mr. Brisbane must feel an enormous sense of pride and achievement, one might think. However, they’d be thinking incorrectly. According to him, David feels none of that.

“I don’t feel anything, literally anything, about it. I’m apathetic. And given that I’m apathetic about nothing meaning anything, well, I think that my apathy is pretty damn appropriate. But you’re free to disagree with me, of course,” David said. “Whatever.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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