Anti-Vaxxer Outraged Friends ‘Listened to Science,’ and Vaccinated Their Baby

SPRING FALLS, CALIFORNIA — 46-year-old California resident Dennis Myers calls himself “mostly apolitical,” but he does have one issue that serves as a litmus test for any potential vying for his vote — vaccination.

Myers, who doesn’t hold any advanced medical degrees but does spend in his own words “at least five hours a week” researching the connection between vaccinations for children and various health ailments such as autism. Though there is no credible, peer-reviewed link between vaccines and autism, and though the one scientist who said there was has been thoroughly drummed out of the medical research community for how badly he falsified his research, Myers says he “just [has] a deep, down hunch” about vaccines, and that’s why he was furious when he learned the news that his friend and his friend’s wife had decided to vaccinate their infant daughter.

“I just think he’s going to really regret that he listened to common sense and science one day,” Myers told our reporter, “when his daughter has like five cases of Autism and an incurable form of the Bubonic plauge which we all know comes directly from the CHEMICALS they put in those vaccines.”

Asked if he understood that our own bodies are largely made up of different chemicals and that therefore chemicals in and of themselves are probably nothing to be fear mongering about, Myers made a sound like a flatulating elephant and asked for the next question.

Myers told our interviewer that it’s really “convenient” for his friend and his wife to point to the fact that the “science behind vaccines has been around for over 200 years” but that his own “superior Googling” has produced information that he feels will prove all the scientists with their “fancy science-ing degrees” wrong.

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“Just like I’ve learned with food, if you can’t pronounce it, you shouldn’t put it in your body, and since most medications and vaccines are derived using various elements that have Latin-sounding names, doesn’t that really mean we shouldn’t trust anything a so-called doctor wants to give us,” Myers asked rhetorically.

Mr. Myers wondered aloud if his friend “really thought protecting his daughter from life-threatening infections and diseases” was “worth risking an unproven, unsubstantiated, fear-based and literally impossible outcome” and that “no one should be surprised if their daughter gets every kind of Autism ever.” When asked if he knows what autism is or how it’s diagnosed, Myers said his phone connection was cutting out, until our reporter moved onto a new line of questioning.

Myers said, “are Jack and Jennifer really suggesting that since we’ve been vaccinating people since the late 18th century, and inoculating them under a similar idea since before then, that we should just trust these people who dedicate their lives to learning as much about a subject as possible? I mean, more than we trust Dr. Jenny McCarthy or Dr. Food, the Science Denying Attention Whore?”

When our reporter told Mr. Myers that yes, indeed, his friends were people who trusted actual doctors and scientists more than celebrities and people with marketing degrees, Myers abruptly ended the call shouting, “SHILL! SHILL! SHILL!”

To date, no credible, peer-reviewed data exists to prove any link between vaccinations and autism.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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