WASHINGTON, D.C. — An anonymous, extremely highly placed contact within the Donald Trump administration has indicated that there is growing unease between the president and his First Lady.
“Look, we’re talking, like, way bigly on the downlow here, okay? I don’t want this reported about later in the FAKE DEMOCRAT ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE NEWS that it was me that told you this stuff,” our source told us on the condition of complete anonymity and some McDonald’s gift certificates. “But let’s just say that the president isn’t very happy at how little the First Lady blows.”
At issue is the fact that whenever Ivanka Trump comes to the White House and her father gets a paper cut, he asks her to kiss and blow on it “like Mommy used to.” Mr. Trump feels that sometimes his First Lady’s kisses are fine, but the “blowing part isn’t long enough.”
“I like it when Ivanka blows on it a lot more than she usually does,” our source told us, “Er I mean, the president does. THE PRESIDENT DOES. YOU HEAR ME?! THE PRESIDENT DOES. The point is that if the wind blew like Ivanka blows, the president would be building wind farms all over the country.”
It’s not just her father’s paper cuts that Ivanka is asked to kiss and blow on. Any cut, scrape, or minor injury requires her to rush to her father’s side, console him, and then “kiss the boo-boo,” as our source put it. Sometimes Mrs. Trump says she’s too busy to kiss and blow on her father’s injuries, however, and that makes the president irate.
“When she doesn’t kiss my ouchies, it makes me very sad! VERY VERY VERY SAD! And when I get sad, I get mad, and when I get mad, I might just nuke California,” our source said, “I mean, wait. Crap. Trump gets sad, Trump gets mad, Trump nukes California. Man, keeping this fake name shit straight is a lot harder than it used to be, isn’t that right John Barron?”
Another, very similar voice spoke.
“Yes, that’s right, TOTALLY BIGLY-NONNIE-MOUSE SOURCE! That is right,” John Barron told us.
The anonymous source said that as angry and upset as the president is when Ivanka doesn’t kiss and blow on his paper cuts, she is no serious danger of falling onto his bad side.
“That’s impossible. Ivanka’s so good. So fair. So fresh. So clean. So sexy. So hot. So bone-tastically boner-riffic. It’s impossible to be mad at Ivanka, ever,” our source tells us. “The president hopes she just eventually comes around and sees how important to him it is that she blow him and blow him good…when he gets a paper cut. Or, you know, whatever else of us one might blow, if they were to blow. Who knows what I’m implying, right? Isn’t life weird? I’m the president!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.