Anne Graham Lotz: God Gives Us Diarrhea Because We ‘Let Trans People Poop in Comfort’

FORT EFFRAYÉ, NORTH CAROLINA — Anne Graham Lotz, daughter of famous televangelist Billy Graham, recently said in a phone interview that God lets terrorist attacks happen because some Americans are defending LGBT rights and others have accepted evolution as scientific fact. But in another interview with different right-wing radio host, Lotz delved even deeper into the things she says that God’s wrath brings thanks to the push for transgender bathroom privacy rights.

“Not only does letting adults marry other adults regardless of their gender bring about terrorism,” Lotz told conservative radio host Skip Rightly, “whenever you get a case of the shiny hiney, you have transgender people using the bathroom they feel comfortable in to thank for that.” Lotz then told Rightly that last week, after eating “nothing but Taco Bell” for eight straight days, she had “the Hershey Squirts somethin’ fierce” which she blamed squarely on Bruce Springsteen canceling a concert in North Carolina.

When Mr. Rightly asked her if there are other afflictions that God might inflict on the people he loves and created in his own image should they exercise their free will, logic, and the very same Christian compassion for all of God’s children that his son Jesus Christ spoke about, Ms. Lotz answered in the affirmative.

“Oh my, yes,” Lotz said, “there are hundreds and hundreds of things that a lot of people think are just part of life, or have nothing to do with being non-judgmental, caring, empathetic people, but that are actually punishments from God for letting someone pee or poo where they want to.”

According to Ms. Lotz, hang nails, hiccups, itchy thighs, indigestion, running out of toothpaste, getting a ticket for running a red light, silent farting, and Justin Bieber’s career can all be blamed on “the further liberalization and therefore Satan-fication of America.”

“When we let trans people poop in comfort like we do,” Lotz said, “because we have some silly idea that there’s more to someone than their gender identity and genitalia, we are letting the Devil win. And God doesn’t want the Devil to win. So he punishes us in all manner of ways. Pretty much any time something inconvenient happens, you should clearly blame the trans people peeing in a bathroom somewhere unrelated to you, or your life in general.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This