Literally No One Volunteers To Help Ann Coulter Qualify For Childcare Tax Credit

Sources close to right-wing author and literal flaming cross in a skirt Ann Coulter are reporting that as of the time of publication that literally no human on the planet has offered to help her qualify for the childcare tax credit for next year. Ms. Coulter lit the Twittersphere on fire when she complained about Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) briefly withholding his support for the tax code overhaul supported by both President Donald Trump and the Republican Party. Coulter seemed to take umbrage at the fact that Rubio was wanting a larger tax deduction per child, and she is in fact single and childless.

Coulter’s tweet, which she claimed was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but that which in the void of emotion that text on the Internet provides when not read aloud comes off to many as sad, and more than a little pathetic, is below.

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“Ms. Coulter sent that tweet at 8:45 AM local time, and as of now, not a single person has said they’d help her qualify for the childcare tax credit,” Billy McWilliams of the Twitter research firm Tweets and Stuff told us. “We have put out all kinds of bulletins asking for people who would be willing to be put out to stud with Ann, but no human being has offered.”

Coulter did receive offers to procreate, McWilliams said, but according to his firm’s reports, they don’t qualify as “humans or people.”

“The kinds of creatures offering to willingly mate with Ann Coulter are the kinds of people you’d imagine at a Klan rally butt fucking each other’s cousins while they watch Mississippi Burning and root for the cover-up,” McWilliams said. “They’re the kinds of carbon based life forms that think white genocide is a thing or that European ancestory has any meaning to people who aren’t racist, mouth breathing morons. So we think that qualifies as no humans offering to bed down with Coulter.”

According to sources very close to Coulter, she did receive an offer to make a baby with someone that she is “giving serious consideration to.”

“Apparently a diarrhea-smeared burlap sack full of KKK pamphlets offered to make a baby with Ann,” McWilliams said. “But she’s not sure if she should date Steve Bannon since he’s so close to her former Nazi vampire lover, White House policy adviser Stephen Miller.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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