Ann Coulter, Tammy Lahren To Host Trump Inaugural ‘Hanging Party’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Conservative firebrand commentators Ann Coulter and Tammy Lahren have teamed up and announced that they will be hosting a “very special hanging party” the day that President-Elect Donald Trump is sworn into office.

“This is going to be a party that makes all the liberal snowflakes get triggered so hard,” Lahren said at a joint press conference and book burning held in the nation’s capital with Coulter, “and we’re going to hang like no one’s hung in decades. A real, out in the open hanging party. So get ready, you cry babies and BLM terrorists, we’re here, we’re anti-queer, and you’ll never get used to how obtuse we are but we don’t care because freedom!”

Coulter agreed with Ms. Lahren that the party would be “off the chain” and “super dope.”

“The food will be all food that true Americans, you know white people, like,” Coulter said, “and yeah this hanging party is going to be super dope and off the chain, as Tammy told me it’d be last night. I’m assured that if any of the catering staff even utter the words ‘taco’ or ‘enchilada’ we get to beat them with reeds right on the spot. It’ll be a white’s — food — only party like the libtards haven’t let us have in decades!”

Reporters asked what exactly would be involved with the party.

“We’re just going to hang,” Ms. Lahren said, “you know? Just hang together.”

Ms. Coulter again echoed what Lahren said.

“Yeah, hanging together like we white folks were always allowed to do before the liberals passed laws saying if we get together we have to get gay married under Sharia Law,” Coulter said.

The dress code for the party will be “white robe” Coulter said. Music and entertainment will be provided by Travis Tritt, comedian Jeff Dunham and his “super-duper hilarious” puppets, and a boombox on the center of the stage that will play old audio recordings of “some old school German president guy,” Coulter announced.

“It’s going to be a really great, wonderful time,” Lahren insisted, “and there won’t be any special snowflake libtards there because we’ve made this party a space where white people can feel safe, because we’re not libtards, we don’t need safe spaces!”

The assembled media then asked who was on the guest list.

“The usual gang,” Coulter responded, “David Duke, Richard Spencer, and we’re running a contest on Stormfront for the first hundred

Reporters asked if this was a party where only white people were invited. Lahren and Coulter both laughed.

“No, we’ve invited a black guy,” Lahren said.

“One,” Coulter said, “one, specific guy.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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