PORT RACES, CONNECTICUT — Emergency crews, first responders, and law enforcement agencies are confirming that right-wing firebrand commentator Ann Coulter is in critical but stable condition following an incident this morning that culminated in Ms. Coulter’s head literally exploding.
“At this point,” Dr. Michael Wilson told reporters outside a Connecticut hospital, “all we know is that Ms. Coulter tweeted this morning that she wants the president impeached, then after a few hours of screaming and yelling into the air about Trump, Nancy Pelosi, and Chuck Schumer, her head literally exploded.”
At this point, who DOESN'T want Trump impeached? https://t.co/g1mMhmm8ng
— Ann Coulter (@AnnCoulter) September 14, 2017
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Sources say the trouble for Ms. Coulter started last night when Schumer and Pelosi, the two most powerful Democrats in Congress, released a statement following a dinner at the White House. The statement indicated that the three had worked out a preliminary deal to save DACA — the Deferred Action on Childhood Arrivals program that former President Barack Obama instituted to protect undocumented immigrants who were brought to America as minors. DACA has long been an angry talking point for Coulter and her colleagues in the League of Screeching Blonde Racist Magpies.
“Ann’s a leader of our group,” said Laura Ingraham, another charter member of the LSBRM, “and I don’t think Tammy Lahren is ready to fill her shoes quite yet. I’m sending Ann all my thoughts, prayers, and the stiffest, one-arm salute possible!”
Witnesses say that they heard Coulter drinking at a hotel bar just after 9AM this morning. Coulter was sloshing back martinis and yelling at anyone who passed by about how “America was going to be way too brown to be good anymore soon.” Ms. Coulter became increasingly upset, sources say, and she’d alternate between loud outbursts and uncontrollable sobbing.
“That’s a cuck move! Donald Trump just cucked his voters,” Coulter howled.
Last year, Coulter was one of the first to embrace Trump. She wrote a book entitled, “In Trump We Trust,” and built her support of the alleged billionaire largely on his harsh campaign rhetoric against immigrants. Trump started his campaign with a speech in which he blasted Mexican immigrants as rapists, drug dealers, and murderers, though he did throw a very small caveat about there being some “good people” who immigrate from the U.S.’s closest southern neighbor.
“Meeting with Cryin’ Chuck and Pelosi? This is enough to make my hood twitch,” Coulter screamed at the people in the hotel lobby bar, “and I just don’t know that I can take it anymore. How can I continue living if all my fear mongering about immigrants and Muslims doesn’t turn our country into a xenophobic dystopia?”
For about an hour, witnesses say Coulter ranted and raved. The bartender could tell she was becoming inebriated and asked if she’d like some food to perhaps soak up a bit of the alcohol in her blood stream. Coulter agreed.
“I haven’t eaten since I killed that homeless man to drink his blood last night,” Coulter said, “so yeah, I could eat something now, sure. Hand me a menu, barkeep.”
The bartender gave Coulter the bar food menu. She scanned the appetizers and stopped short, holding her breath. She placed a finger tip on a menu item and a small, squeaking sound could be heard coming out of her mouth. The bartender, sensing something was wrong, came over to her. He looked at Coulter’s menu, where she was pointing.
“Wh-wh-what am I seeing on this menu, here, barkeep,” Coulter demanded.
The man behind the bar smiled.
“Oh, our breakfast tacos, they’re amazing,” he said, “Would you like me to put in an order for -”
Coulter was literally foaming at the mouth. She started twitching. Witnesses say smoke started to billow from ears.
“Did you just say you guys have tacos on your menu,” Coulter asked, “Like as in, the Mexican wannabe sandwich? Like, a taco-taco taco? In America? You’re serving tacos here?”
The bartender just nodded his head.
“Well…I…but…freedom…9/11…Kenyan communist…Benghazi…libtard…Hillary…cuck…” Coulter trailed off and then suddenly…
Sources say Coulter’s head exploded into billions of tiny fragments. Dr. Wilson indicated that while it will be a “challenge and a half” to reconstruct Coulter’s skull, there are some ways in which he and his staff have “really lucked out.”
“Her skull can be put back together and we can use synthetic materials to return it to its usual, almost human shape,” Dr. Wilson said, “But we really lucked out that this happened to Ann because no matter what we put back in there and call her brain, it’ll still work better than what she had in there in the first place.”
This story is developing.