NEW YORK, NEW YORK — A large, irate orangutan with presidential aspirations says that he will participate in debates with Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, but that he is “terribwee afwaid” of tough questions.
“Look, I’m a giant, orange, angry orangutan with a very unconvincing toupee,” the orangutan told reporters after he climbed down from atop his Manhattan apartment building, “and I definitely know how to be a massive, loud-mouthed bully. But, like all bullies, I’m terrified of having my own glaring weaknesses paraded in front of everybody. It’s why I lash out at anyone who even remotely criticizes or makes fun of me. STOP LOOKING AT MY HANDS!”
His ability to “dish but not take it” is what makes him so deathly afraid of an honest debate, the orangutan told the media.
“It’s so much easier to let out a barrage of insults and mean nicknames than it is to hold a substantive debate on a variety of important topics,” the hairy orange primate said, “so if they’d concede to me being allowed to write the questions, I’d agree to any debate they want. Otherwise, I’m going to have to decide on a debate-by-debate basis, of course.”
The gargantuan simian was asked for some examples of questions he’d approve of, and he spent the next seventy-five minutes rattling them off.
“Is Hillary literally the Devil in a pantsuit,” was one example.
“Can America become great again simply by hating Hillary Clinton,” the orangutan asked rhetorically.
“If we put Hillary Clinton in jail, can we decide what laws she broke later,” was yet another example.
“In a contest between AIDS and Hillary Clinton, which is worse for humanity,” asked the orange primate as another example given.
“What’s it feel like to have an enormous, truly huge penis,” was another example question given.
“Would you be the best president ever, or the best world leader ever,” asked the orangutan hypothetically.
“Was Benghazi as bad as the Holocaust, or clearly much, much worse,” he asked out loud.
“Can we just hold down Hillary Clinton and fart right into her mouth instead of holding an election,” the orangutan mused.
“What’s your biggest weakness, it’s nothing right,” the big orange asshole asked.
Eventually, the orangutan grew visibly tired from expending so much of his brain power coming up with acceptable debate questions. When the spittle at his feet reached ankle-depth, he took one last deep, full breath from the sides of his teeth.
“Look, if I could come up with 400 questions like that just off the top of my head, these nerdy bookworm media types could too,” the orangutan spat out, “but I’m not here to do their job for them. So let’s see what questions they come up with, and if I feel like showing up to answer them I will. Because that’s what being the president is all about. Doing the tough job only when you feel like it, and never, ever at any other time. It’s why you only have to work like two hours a day president-ifying shit. Now let’s go make America bate again!”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.