Angela Merkel Pays $300 Billion NATO Bill In Monopoly Money, Says It’s ‘Fake Money For A Fake President’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When German Chancellor Angela Merkel made her first official visit to the White House under the banner of the Bannon/Trump administration, she was reportedly handed a $300 billion invoice from Co-President Trump, which he said is to cover Germany’s portion of NATO protection that the U.S. has paid for since 2002. The move was widely criticized, and reportedly at first Merkel had no intention of paying the invoice, but word from Team Bannon/Trump is that several hundred large boxes, full of money and post marked from Berlin, have arrived at the nation’s capital, and they are claiming victory.

“Obviously this is a sign that we are winning, folks,” Trump told the press pool as he walked out onto the steps of the White House in his presidential bathrobe, “and I don’t know about you, but I am already sick of winning. I mean, if you don’t count my Muslim Bans and getting my ass kicked on repealing Obamacare, of course.”

Trump took time to reiterate that both the loss on healthcare and the judiciary smacking down his travel bans was “all Obama’s fault” and that he’d “have gotten away with it if weren’t for you darn, snooping kids.” As workers pried open the boxes, it was soon apparent that Chancellor Merkel still had no intention of actually paying the alleged debt that the Bannon administration made-up for Germany to pay. The boxes were all full to the brim with multicolored paper, printed up like faux-currency.

It was money from the German version of Monopoly. In one of the boxes was a hand-written note from Ms. Merkel.

Dear Donald,

Thanks for the NATO invoice. But, um? LOL. No. We won’t ever be paying that happy horse shit. But, you know, nice try. I’m sure Limbaugh and Hannity will slurp your orange floppy sausage extra hard for standing up to us. You know, one of your strongest allies? Good job on that one, Donny.

Knowing how you are an insufferable baby man, though, I wanted to do something to at least try to keep you from losing your shit and ordering a tactical nuclear strike on Idaho or something. So here’s $300 billion in fake money for a fake president.

Tell Vlad I said, “Go fuck yourself,” the next time you talk to him. I’m sure it’ll be soon.


Angela Merkel
German Chancellor/Leader of the Free World

Upon reading the letter, and having had several aides explain some of the “big boy words” in it, Trump shrugged. He  looked at the crates of Monopoly money. A smile came across his face.

“Well, I win,” Trump said, “as always. All I know is Angie didn’t wanna pay, and now she’s paid. Those are the facts. Everything else doesn’t matter. Bip-bop-boop, PRESIDENT!”

A reporter from The New York Times asked the co-president if he could really consider this a victory since he was paid with fake money that is worthless and doesn’t work anywhere. Trump shrugged. First he reminded the reporter that he hates her employer and that it’s “fake news.”

“Hey, I’m a president elected by the smallest margin of Americans ever,” Trump said, “and I also don’t work, no matter where I am. But, I’m still president. So let me repeat, again, so your fake news bosses can print it correctly this time: BIP. BOP. BOOP. PRESIDENT.”

A representative for Ms. Merkel could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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