DEATH STAR II THRONE ROOM, ORBITING MOON OF ENDOR — In a recent interview on CNN, former Vice-President Dick Cheney told Anderson Cooper that he will make “no apologies” for the Iraq War. To many Americans, this will help solidify their view of Cheney as that of a war monger; content to profit while young men and women on both sides of the battle lines fight and die. But for the National Institute of Chicken Hawkery, Cheney’s refusal to apologize was just what he needed to once again win the NICH’s top prize of America’s Greatest Chicken Hawk.
Past winners of the award have been John McCain for tirelessly trying to drag the U.S. into a full-blown war with both Iran and Syria, and Fox News host Sean Hannity for never having served a single day in combat and like McCain being in favor of any possible violent conflict with another nation. NICH chairman Ryan Ricardella told The Political Garbage Chute that Cheney’s “unwavering hubris” and “prideful boasting” about “a war that very clearly was illegal, and we all knew was illegal and pointless within 18 months of its first salvos being fired” made the former Vice-President a perfect candidate for the institute’s top prize.
“What is the Greatest Chicken Hawk if it isn’t the man who more than a decade later, with all the facts so clearly exposed for the entire world to see, can still not only look himself in the mirror every day but also chide reporters and anyone else who dares to call him out for that pointless and illegal war,” Ricardella asked our reporter rhetorically. He went on to tell us that his institute “stands in admiration of such a Chicken Hawkery accomplishment” because “it’s not every day that you can be so boldly ignorant of your own failures” and “that’s exactly what being a Chicken Hawk is all about; sending kids off to die though you never had the balls to do it yourself and then profiting from it, and being stubbornly resolute about not having any fucks to give when it’s proven your war was illegal and needless.”
From his throne room and observation deck on a new Haliburton project with the ability to destroy a planet, Cheney told a group of reporters that he “will never apologize” for the Iraq War. Cheney said that “apologizing is for pussies and pussies aren’t real Americans.” He went on to say that “no amount of historical evidence will sway [him] from the unwavering belief that [my] war mongering was good for the country, in the long run.”
Cheney has also been quoted recently as saying that the international nuclear arms treaty that the Obama administration in concert with several of the United States’ most trusted allies secured with Iran “gave away the store” and that’s why doesn’t support it. When reporters pushed him on this, Cheney said, “Look, everyone knows the proper, Republican way to run the executive is as your private war for profit enterprise. What Obama should have done instead of giving the shop away is to set up a shop in Iran, and then make ass-tons of money for the defense contractor company he owns, securing himself millions, if not billions of dollars.”
“But noooooooo,” Cheney chided, “he had to go and make a deal with Iran. Does he have any idea how much money he just cost me — er I mean Haliburton? All in the name of peace and tranquility,” Cheney said while he made the universal hand gesture for masturbating a penis. “Clearly Obama will never win a Chicken Hawk award, unless of course it’s for droning the shit out of Yemen and killing a ton of civilians in the process, but that’s not the same as selling the country on an unnecessary war with a country you’ve had a personal score to settle with, is it,” he asked again rhetorically.
Cheney attributed his “historical levels of self-delusion” for giving him the “intestinal fortitude to remain resolute in the face of overwhelming evidence.” He said that in his world, “we were greeted as liberators, found the WMDs we were looking for within days of the conflict starting, and the region is so totes stable.”
Ricardella told The Political Garbage Chute that “it’s entirely possible” his institute will have to retire the award because “clearly Dick Cheney is trying to go down in history as America’s greatest chicken hawk, and it’s hard to imagine anyone overtaking him, unless they started like two illegal and unfunded wars.” He said that “out of fairness to other great American Chicken Hawks like Lindsey Graham and Kelly Ayotte, we may have to create a Lifetime Chicken Hawkery and War Mongering achievement award, and give to Cheney for the rest of all time. Because since he’s more machine now than man, he will probably outlive us all, which means he’ll be able to keep lying about the Iraq War forever, and that is a feat of Chicken Hawking that we just have never, ever seen.”