America’s First Black President Prepares To Hand Baton Off To America’s First Cartoon Villain President

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As his time in the White House shrinks from weeks to days to hours, President Barack H. Obama is in his final preparations to pass the presidential torch onto his successor. At a recent luncheon honoring Obama administration staffers, the president took time to reflect on his eight years in office and his historic place as the country’s first black president. Mr. Obama also took time to look ahead, and told those attending the luncheon that he thinks the next man to sit in the Oval Office will be “equally as historic.”

“You know, this country has a unique, rich, and complicated history,” Obama said, “and when it comes to race relations in the United States, perhaps nothing is more complicated. For goodness sake, the guy coming after me is the guy who spent half a decade trolling me over a racist lie about my birth certificate.”

Obama chuckled hard.

“How do you go from the first black president to the first cartoon villain president,” Obama laughed as he asked rhetorically, “I mean, the country is bouncing from the Hope and Change guy to the hope he doesn’t change the nuclear codes to 1-2-3-4-5 guy.”

President Obama said that when he found out Election Night that a Republican had won, he assumed that Mitt Romney had stepped in at the last moment, or that the eventual winner had “gotten bored and found a new toy or wife to play with.” But when he found out it was the alleged-billionaire and reality-TV star who won, he just scratched his head and figured it went right along with American history.

“Here we are on the twilight of the first black presidency in a country where less than sixty years ago it was still illegal for blacks and whites to marry,” Obama said, “and this mixed race president is going to be followed up by the guy who was sued in the 1970’s for not renting his shiny New York apartments to the uppity blacks. I mean…that’s SO America, isn’t it?”

Mr. Obama said that in his view, his successor is “more like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons than a living, breathing human who we should make the most powerful man in the free world.”

“Just look at his cabinet picks,” Obama laughed, “he put a guy in charge of the energy department who wanted to gut the department back in 2012 but couldn’t remember its name. He put a brain surgeon in charge of the housing department. He put a woman in charge of education who hates public schools and thinks it’d be better to let parents send their kids to religious schools on the taxpayer’s dime. He has more billionaires in his cabinet than anyone ever before. What is this guy if not the perfect cartoon bad guy?”

The outgoing president said that Twitter is like the next president’s “secret bad guy hideout.”

“I mean, seriously,” Trump mused, “couldn’t you just see this next guy sitting in the Oval Office with Lex Luthor and the Joker? They’d be all plotting some nefarious scheme where tax dollars are diverted into buying a stockpile of Kryptonite or some shit. I’m telling you. We’re in for some weird, weird times, y’all.”

The Trump administration declined to comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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