SAN DIEGO, CA — James Schlarmann is an American satirist. Which is to say that he makes up stuff, puts words into people’s mouths, and generally tries to be as sneaky as possible in how he injects his political biases into his “art.” Schlarmann, a self-described “seasoned nobody,” recently lamented the fact that the 2016 presidential election has only six months left in it.
“This massive shit show of an election has been just fantastic to cover,” Schlarmann said, “because no matter how crazy or over the top I get with my headlines and stories, reality comes along and trumps me, pun intended. I write about KKK Grand Wizards endorsing Donald and then two weeks later David Duke is telling all the white supremacists in this country to vote for Trump. I’d say you can’t make this shit up, but I do, regularly, and then it comes true.”
Schlarmann said, however, that it hasn’t all been “roses and other things that smell like roses” covering the 2016 presidential election.
“I mean, sure, being called dumb, stupid, childish, a Tea Bagger, and naive over my decision to not vote for Hillary Clinton because I live in a safely blue state isn’t fun,” Schlarmann said, “but I mean, when you’re condescended to and generalized about, but for RIGHT reasons of course, you have no choice but to change your vote, right?”
Mr. Schlarmann, also an avid amateur cat farmer, told the press that he was “super bummed out” that the election would “only drag on for another half-year.”
“By the end of this process, I may only have six friends left,” Schlarmann said, “because the rest of them will be so sure that since my one singular vote didn’t go to the candidate they wanted it to go to that I caused the end of the world to happen. I want that number to be zero! I am positive that if this election just grinds on until 2054, I can die at the ripe old age of 74 knowing I had no friends, and they all hated me because I agreed with the notion that rich people are doing just fine and I don’t want to keep making them richer for the sake of keeping everyone else poorer.”
Alternating between bites of his carne asada burrito and hits from his ten-foot tall gravity bong, Schlarmann insisted that the U.S. should consider changing its constitution to where it is in a perpetual state of election, where candidates who win go to Washington, D.C. briefly, but mostly just use their time there to meet with lobbyists and make speeches from the floor of Congress used in campaign ads. Schlarmann said that way, lobbyists and donors can work “hand in hand to ensure our government is free from the corrupt influence of the will of the people.”
“Think about it,” Schlarmann said, “all that money that’s spent on elections. Sure it could go to feeding the hungry, educating the masses, or any number of truly good public works projects. But it’s also money, so it’s free speech, and I guess, hey, who needs a government that’s responsive to many people, not just the ones who can buy their attention, right?”
Schlarmann also said that “covering the same horrible election for the rest of [his] life” would make him “grateful for all the times he had diarrhea or an ingrown hair” on his pubic area. He said it would be like “writing about the same boil” on his “ass” being lanced over and over again for the rest of his “goddamned, miserable fucking life.”
James said that beyond all that, he’s really hoping the election goes beyond November for one simple reason.
“No matter who wins, they’ll be a major disappointment on some level,” Schlarmann said, “whether it’s not keeping campaign promises, or in the case of Donald Trump, if he actually goes through with any of the crazy shit he’s talking about. So why not just keep ourselves from ever having to face the fact that our politicians are imperfect people who make mistakes, and keep the honeymoon, election phase of our relationship going. No politician is as great as they are on the campaign trail, so why not just let us all ruin every relationship we have, drag this motherfucker of an election on in perpetuity, and just let President Obama declare Marcia Brady Law and be our Kenyan Communist president forever and ever?”
There are 182 days left until Election Day, 2016.