We Asked the American Flag If It Felt Offended By Gwen Berry’s Political Protest

This weekend, MAGA social media was incensed by the actions of a black athlete during a non-competitive segment of an athletic sporting event. This time, it was Olympic-qualifying hammer thrower Gwen Berry’s protest during a podium ceremony she was taking part after doing well enough to make the Olympic team that got the Trumpian faithful in a lather. Berry, who felt the playing of the National Anthem was not appropriate during the podium ceremony, turned her back on the American flag and prominently displayed a t-shirt with “Activist Athlete” printed on it.

“I love the First Amendment and the Constitution as much as anyone, probably more than everyone,” Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) said on Fox News this morning, “but obviously Gwen Berry’s political speech is a direct threat to white Americans just trying to not think about anyone other than themselves, and she must be silenced for her sins against white fragility.”


Radio host Glenn Beck simply cried on air for three straight hours today, unable to compose himself enough to condemn Berry. Dan Bongino said that she’s “obviously a George Soros plant, in place to hide evidence on Benghazi and Spygate.” Donald Trump Jr. suggested Berry should “at least have to buy [him] some coke.”

“Don’t you think, guys? That Gwen Berry should buy me some coke? Isn’t that a good idea,” Don Jr. asked in a now-deleted Instagram story. “Swipe up to Venmo me at least $200 and I’ll send you a video of me doing that amount of blow off Kim’s tits.”

As insulted and outraged as MAGA is at Berry on behalf of the American flag, we wanted to ask Old Glory herself how she felt about Berry’s act of protest. So we did just that.

NOT REALLY.NEWS: What were you thinking when you saw Gwen Berry turn her back on you, in protest? Did you think she was disrespecting you?

AMERICAN FLAG: (Laughs hysterically) Are you fucking kidding me right now? A single person, standing in defiant protest, knowing they’re going to not only upset some people in their government, but millions of their fellow countrymates? Honey, there’s nothing that respects what I blow for than courageous acts of political speech.

NRN: So you don’t think she should be punished for her demonstration in any way?

AF: Punished? In America? For free speech? Are you fucking high right now?

NRN: Honestly, yes, but I was just making sure I was understanding how cool you are with someone protesting you.

AF: (Laughs hysterically again) She didn’t protest me. She protested the bullshit she and millions more like her are put through just for being black. Why the hell would I get offended by someone protesting extrajudicial homicide and systemic racism? That seems, and I mean lots of disrespect here, totally fucking stupid.

But, also, and I think this is pretty important — I’m just an inanimate object. A symbol. I have no feelings. Anyone pretending I do is just projecting theirs onto me. And that’s fine; they’re entitled to feel and express every silly, nationalist emotion they have. And we’re free to mock them and their feelings. Freedom works best when everyone gets to have it.

NRN: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us today!

AF: Any time.



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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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