American Farmer Coalition: Sarah Huckabee Sanders Uses So Much Fertilizer It Threatens Crops

The American Farmer Coalition has issued a dire forecast of the nation’s crops, literally every one of them.

“If Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders doesn’t stop using so much fertilizer during her daily press briefings, we fear every crop in this country is in great peril,” the AFC’s press release from earlier this week reads.

The AFC’s press release came in conjunction with a new study they commissioned from the American Institute of Research. The study seems to show that as Ms. Huckabee Sanders has carried out her job duties as the chief media representative for President Donald Trump, she has used ever-increasing amounts of fertilizer in her press briefings. The study predicts that at some point in the near future, “Ms. Huckabee will have used so much bull shit to do her job, she may threaten to wipe out every crop in America, for the rest of all time.”

“Every day that Ms. Huckabee Sanders holds a press conference, she threatens the ability of American farmers to provide the food the country — and the world — needs. She must not understand just how vital fertilizer is to the soil crops are grown in,” the AFC release states. “Each instance of bull shit he utters brings us all closer to starvation.”

During a press conference on Monday, Ms. Huckabee excoriated the press for spreading stories she called “false,” and the AFC’s spokesperson said that was the exact kind of statement that threatens America’s farmlands. “There’s a difference between an honest mistake and purposefully misleading the public,” Ms. Huckabee told reporters on Monday afternoon.

“She works for a guy that said he saw hundreds of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating when the World Trade Center fell,” AFC spox Jeffrey Giffenmeyer told the media. “And he’s the guy who said he had the largest inaugural crowd ever. He literally just tweeted out bullshit anti-Islamic videos less than a couple weeks ago, and she’s up there giving the press crap about the stories she says are lies? That’s a level of bullshit our crops just cannot sustain.”

The White House could not be reached for comment.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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