Alternate Universe Report: GOP Not Concerned With Clinton’s Attorney General Lying About Russian Meetings

Editor’s Note: This report comes from our Alternate Universe bureau. 

ALTERNATE WASHINGTON. D.C. — Senate Republicans held a press conference today, expressing to the American public that they see absolutely nothing wrong with a handful of President Hillary Clinton’s top officials having made contact on multiple occasions with Russian diplomats. Further, Republicans insisted that people “get off the nuts” of Attorney General Bill Williamson, who was caught lying under oath during his confirmation hearing about contact with Russia.

“Bill Williamson is an honorable man, Democrat or not,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said, “and just because he lied under oath to Congress and is ostensibly in charge of prosecuting people who lie to Congress, that doesn’t really mean anything. It’s also totally and completely normal and natural for him to lie about something that was part of his job duties when he was a Senator. Really, there’s just nothing more to see here, and I wish everyone in the media would move on.”

Allegations of perjury against Williamson erupted when venerable news organization Breitbart News teamed up with InfoWars to produce an explosive report, detailing that Williamson had in fact made contact with a top Russian spy recruiter twice during the 2016 presidential election.

“No big whoop,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told reporters, “it’s just no big whoop. So he lied under oath? It’s not like he lied about a blow job or something completely reprehensible like that, is it?”

Attorney General Williamson became a surrogate for Ms. Clinton’s campaign early in 2016. Williamson told senators in his confirmation hearing when asked about allegations that members of Clinton’s team had made contact with the Russians during the campaign that he didn’t have any such contact and knew of no such contact. Then, an explosive bombshell report from The Washington Post  revealed that Williamson had indeed met at least twice with Russian diplomats last year.

“Look, these things happen from on occasion from time to time,” Senator Randy Paul (R-KY) told reporters when asked, “I think under the pressure of the moment, clearly Attorney General Williamson misspoke, and technically perjured himself. But hey, let’s let bygones be bygones, people! We gotta work together. No sense in tracking down whether there’s even more crap buried underneath the never-ending avalanche of Russian stuff we keep unraveling and this administration keeps denying.”

Senate Republicans are so willing to foster an environment of bipartisanship and harmonious legislative discourse that they have even decided to take an extraordinary step.

“We’ve offered Attorney General Williamson an official Senatorial Mulligan,” McConnell said, “so he can just come in, we’ll pretend like the last hearing didn’t even happen, and he can give his sworn testimony in such a way as to not incriminate himself.”

McConnell said the new hearing would be scheduled just as soon as AG Williamson is back from his vacation to Eastern European, Baltic countries…for no reason whatsoever in particular.\


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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