Government Archivists Discover Original, All-Caps Declaration of Independence

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When President Donald Trump sent a middle of the night, all-caps threat to the Iranian president on Twitter last night, social media — and especially his critics — jumped all over him.

Mr. Trump took to Twitter last night and, just before midnight his time, threatened Iranian President Rouhani with “CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED.” It’s unclear at this time if President Trump was referring to spending time alone with him as part of the consequences he alluded to, but sources say if he did, Trump risks being brought up on crimes against humanity at the Hague. Mr. Trump’s tweet is seen below.


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While many have come to criticize Trump for not only using Twitter as his medium for conducting such serious and potentially deadly foreign policy, but for doing so in a way that seems unbecoming of the most powerful person in the world, historians with the national archives may be able to help shed some historical context. Thanks to a new discovery deep within the basement of the Library of Congress, it turns out that Trump may not be the first important American to conduct international diplomacy with an all-caps blast.

“Billy, our janitor, was doing some cleanup down in the basement, and he found this old box marked ‘ORIGINAL OLD ASS DOCUMENTS’ and inside it was one of the first copies of the Declaration of Independence,” Susan Wifflebee, Chief Archivist for the National Archives, told reporters this morning. “And to our great amazement, it was written in all-caps. Who knew? I mean, a lot of them owned slaves, and Trump wishes he still could, so maybe the similarities shouldn’t have shocked me so badly.”

Ms. Whifflebee provided media outlets with the original text of the All-Caps Declaration of Independence, reprinted verbatim, below.


To British King George: WHEN IN THE COURSE OF SHIT IT BECOMES A THING WHERE WE HAVE TO CALL YOU CUCKS AND BE ALL FREE FROM YOUR SHIT, WE WILL DO EXACTLY THAT!  SO GUESS WHAT, KING BITCH? WE OFFICIAL DECLARE INDY-PENDUNCE FROM YOU RIGHT NOW!

SOME SHIT IS NOT FAKE NEWS, LIKE THAT ALL (WHITE, LAND OWNING) MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL, AND THAT OUR ONE TRUE AMERICAN GOD GAVE US SOME KICK ASS SHIT YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY! THOSE THINGS ARE LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF EVER YOUNGER PIECES OF ASS THAT JUST BARELY SUBLIMATE YOUR SICK DESIRE TO BANG YOUR OWN DAUGHTER! WE ARE WARNING YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU WILL FACE BIGLY CONSEQUENCES IF YOU DON’T BACK OFF AND LET US HAVE THIS CONTINENT ALL TO OURSELVES!

SINCERELY,

THE FOUNDING FATHERS OR WHATEVER


Reached for comment, the president said he is “bigly grateful” the original Declaration has been found.

“And I have absolutely no idea what it was written in orange crayon with small hands,” Trump said, “So anyone talking about it is FAKE NEWS and should prolly be hung, if we weren’t such cucks with idiotic arcane laws about the free press or whatever.”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals



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