AUSTIN, TEXAS — Alex Jones told listeners of his show this morning that he’s “extremely concerned” over what he says are “patently obvious signs” that Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia diagnosis is a “false flag of epic proportions,” and the key evidence to prove his theory is that no one can locate Ms. Clinton’s “old monia.” Jones, a leading figure in the “alt-right” movement, told his listeners that his show and his website InfoWars would be dedicating “every resource possible” to tracking down Clinton’s old monia and that he doesn’t “believe for one second the new monia was put in place without the old monia being taken down.”
“Where’s Hillary’s OLD monia,” Jones shouted into the microphone, “did her old monia know too much, and that’s why she was issued a new monia from her doctor? Hell, I’d like to know just how much taxpayer money went to giving Killery Hitler Clinton her new monia.”
Jones is convinced that Clinton’s old monia was probably protecting information about the September 11th, 2012 attack on a U.S. building in Benghazi, Libya, and that it had become “more convenient to bump it off and put a new monia in its place.” Mr. Jones cited the fact that both the Benghazi attacks and Clinton’s doctor announcing her diagnosis happened on the same day, four years apart, as evidence of the conspiracy. He further cited his “gut instincts” which he says “have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever been wrong about anything ever, ever, ever, ever” as evidence.
“I want to know what her old monia knew, don’t you,” Jones asked his audience, “because I was raised in a house where we understood the value of a good monia. We didn’t just toss a monia out when it got old. I can’t remember a single time my dad told my mom to throw out the family monia so we could go and buy a new one.”
Reached for comment, Emily Litella, a deputy chief assistant communications liaison for the Clinton campaign told reporters that she doesn’t “think Mr. Jones knows what he’s talking about” and is “highly confused.”
“The Clinton campaign thanks Mr. Jones for his concerns for the candidate’s health,” a written statement from Litella said, “but we don’t think Mr. Jones knows what he’s talking about. As evidence to our claim, we cite literally everything he’s said. As always, it seems Mr. Jones is highly confused, and should probably find a new topic to talk about, and never mind the health stuff.”
After spending two full segments on his show dedicated to where Clinton’s old monia is, and whether or not the Benghazi attacks were orchestrated as a false flag to cover up for what the old monia knew, Jones announced he would create a special InfoWars hotline and email address. People who know anything — literally anything, it doesn’t have to be related at all because Jones says he and his team “can connect any dots, no matter how unrelated” — are encouraged to contact him immediately. The state of the nation depends on it, Jones says.
“We have to stop letting this global elite liberal Alinsky acolytes get away with this,” Jones yelled, “because somewhere out there Hillary Clinton’s old monia is either in a shallow grave or a maximum security underground bunker. I know this for certain. And no, this isn’t like the time last week, or the time before that, or even the time before that, when I said I knew something for a fact. I mean it this time. For realsies. 1-2-3, no erasies.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.