White House Adds Alex Jones As Information, Chemtrail, and Tinfoil Adviser

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ending weeks of speculation, the Trump Administration has announced it has begun working closely with InfoWars founder Alex Jones. In a press conference, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters that Jones would be serving an advisory role and that his chief areas of advisement would be “information, chemtrails, and tinfoil.”

“The president has had a very good relationship with Mr. Jones since the election,” Spicer said, “and he really loves that Alex will tell it like it is, even if it’s only like that in his own head. You could say the president feels a certain bond with Alex over that. You might say that the president is the exact same way, but then again the president gets a lot of his ideas directly from Alex, so perhaps it’s butter — butthole — buttfuck — sorry, excuse, me, better for me to say they share a brain.”

Spicer told the media members assembled that Co-President Trump has taken a sharp interest in chemtrails since being sworn into office, and that Trump has always valued someone who can “give him the information he wants, not so much that he needs.”

“You folks have got to remember,” Spicer said, “our president has spent a lifetime not being made to hear things he doesn’t want to hear. Criticism. Complaints. Telling him his spray tan makes him look like someone spray painted a burlap sack full of farts, diarrhea, and shame orange. All of these things he doesn’t want to hear, so he pays people tons of money to never hear bad things. Alex is going to help filter the information the president gets before it reaches his ears in much the same way.”

Mr. Spicer indicated that Trump might tap Jones for other projects in the future.

“President Trump is very interested in finding where President Obama hid all the guns he took,” Spicer said, “and that’s one place the president things — thicks — thyroids — goddamnit — thinks that Alex would be particularly good at helping with, considering his publication was the biggest peddler of that story line. We’re also thinking of having Alex head up a new task force dedicated to making sure the nation’s tinfoil communication network is clear, static free, and tapped directly into the vast, underground network of Speak N Spells that delivers the real, unvarnished, non-mainstream news to actual American patriots.”

Alex Jones could not be reached for comment because this was an inside piece.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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