COU-ROUGE COUSIN SEXE PARISH, ALABAMA — Doctors and attending staff in the urgent care facility at First United Baptist Methodist Hospital of Lower South Eastern Alabama are attempting to pull of a true medical miracle — removing an unborn baby from its mother’s eye.
“Uh, to be completely and fully clear here, strictly medically speaking, there is not a ‘baby’ in this teenager’s eye,” Dr. Jay McElroy, Chief Medical Overseer at First United Baptist Methodist Hospital of Lower South Eastern Alabama told media representatives in a truly historic press conference this afternoon. “But strictly Alabama speaking, she’s a solid 90 minutes to three hours pregnant. Or could be if we pull this extremely delicate operation off.”
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According to Dr. McElroy, at approximately 2:30 pm local time, a 16 year old female was rushed into his urgent care facility reporting a discharge of her uncle’s “baby goop” in her eye. In Alabama, the age of consent is 16, so McElroy says the 34 year old father is in no danger with the law, though he suspects he may be with his brother-cousin.
“This kind of thing is exactly why feuds start in this part of the country,” McElroy said. “Of course, it was worse before more families moved into the state. There are lot less chances for a feud to start among six families instead of three, let me tell you.”
Dr. McElroy and his team are going to attempt to transplant the Alabama almost-born from the teenager’s eye socket and into her her uterus. By law the load cannot simply be discarded, and an attempt to implant the baby must be made. Should the baby fail to implant, the mother and doctor could be liable criminally under the state’s new abortion law, according to some scholars.
For now, the baby’s father, Jethro Bohiggins, just hopes his little zygote turns out alright, thought.
“Of course I want it to be a good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing, red meat eating straight white male,” Bohiggins said. “But for now, I just hope they can save the little squirt!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.