Alabama Republican “Much More Interesteder” in Trump Following Incestuous Comments

GREEN WAY, ALABAMA — Clem O’Connor is a lifelong Republican, or least he plans to be. “I will draw every breath I have on this Earth as a Republican,” he told us as we started our interview. Clem contacted us because he said he wanted to “maybe inspire other Trump supporters” to be proud enough of supporting Donald J. Trump, the billionaire former reality-TV star that is currently leading the Republican primary polling in most credible polls. He most wanted to share his journey from Trump skeptic to Trump fan, because he says he “knows [he] ain’t the only one.”

“At first I didn’t trust him,” O’Connor said, “because he’s cozied up with the Clintons before and I just felt like he might have been trolling us.” But he said first Trump said some anti-Mexican things and his “ears perked up a bit.” Then, Trump said misogynistic things about Fox News host Megyn Kelly and his “ears perked up even more higher.” Then, when the real estate mogul started making Islamaphobic comments and said no Muslims should be allowed to immigrate here anymore, Clem says he was “about 95 to 122% sure” that Trump was his man.

Then, Clem says, Trump made some comments that seemed to imply if he wasn’t married he’d have sex with his daughter Ivanka, and “as a good, clean, Bible belt conservative,” Clem says that sealed the deal for him. “You just know that Trump’s a solid guy if he’s going to make weird sexual remarks about his daughter, like those of us here in the beautiful, Baby Jesus’ beloved Bible belt do,” he said.

“After he made it seem like he might take a poke at his daughter,” Clem said, “I was much more interesteder in her.” Clem said that incest is a “grand tradition” where he comes from and that “special bonds” form between mother, son, cousin, uncle, niece and fathers when you “can’t keep it in your pants, but stuff into your family.” Mr. O’Connor said he knew “Trump was one of us” when he implied “he wouldn’t mind sliding his snake into his daughter’s trousers, you know, like good ol’ boys do.”

Clem said that it “might not be very PC these days to be proud of your incestuous ways,” but that “down here, fuckin’ your blood relations is as American as apple pie, or burning a cross on some black guy’s lawn.” O’Connor declared that he would volunteer for Trump’s street team next week, and he’s already convinced five of his cousins to vote for Trump too.

“When we were having a rub and tug the other night, I just said to them, cousins, we need to vote for the man who clearly shares our values,” Clem said, “and if the racism, xenophobia, and Islamaphobia weren’t enough to tell you he’s one of us, wanting to bang his sister surely is.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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