RIO SIN DIENTES, ALABAMA — In a sleepy Alabama town, preparations are underway for a truly momentous and perhaps historic event — a man and a fetus will be wed this weekend.
Jasper McCoy, 32-years-old and a devout born again Christian, will marry an as of yet unnamed fetus at First Southern Bapist of Sin Dientes this weekend. Everyone in both the bride and groom’s families will be in attendance.
“It wasn’t that hard to invite everyone, cuz most of our families are already relationed anyway,” McCoy told us via Skype. “I knew my fetal cousin was the right zygote to marry, partly because I knew since we’s kin that means we already gots so much in common. We share values, you see.”
McCoy is the first person to marry a fetus in his state, but current studies show he certainly won’t be the last. A growing movement in the Yellowhammer State to marry young “incels,” men who are intentionally celibate and usually very socially conservative, to fetuses started last month, and has been gaining momentum ever since the state passed its extremely strict abortion ban just last week. The law has garnered quite a bit of attention for his state, but McCoy says it was his biggest reason for deciding to marry his cousin the fetus.
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“The only way to truly keep every fetus safe is to marry them off before a libtard can kill them,” Jasper told us, “that’s just science you can take to the bank. Facts.”
His aunt’s pregnancy is not far enough along to know the gender of the fetus yet. She just found out she was pregnant less than two weeks ago, and she’s only nine weeks along. While a fetus begins developing sex organs around seven weeks from fertilization, Jasper’s spouse-to-be’s genitals won’t be visible on an ultrasound for another ten weeks or more. This means there’s a chance the fetus could develop into a baby boy. Jasper says he’d still marry it.
“Again, this is about protecting innocent life! And besides, if I ain’t bein’ forced to get gay married by Obama in one of his FEMA camps, I think i can handle being gay married to a fetus,” Jasper claimed. “I guess we conservatives just have morals like that, I suppose.”
Given that the fetus is not capable of reciting marriage vows, Jasper says the officiant will be tapping the vows in Morse code through his cousin’s stomach and into her uterus. He’s hoping that the fetus inside can make some kind of movement that indicates “I do,” but he knows it’s so young that may not be possible.
“We’re definitely in uncharted waters here. But I wouldn’t trade this opportunity for anything,” Jasper said. “All lives matter, especially ones that aren’t sentient!”
UPDATE: Unfortunately, Jasper’s cousin lost the fetus to miscarriage. Local authorities are investigating it as a potential homicide, saying that Jasper’s cousin’s body might have “done a self-abortion,” which lands in a legal gray area in the state since last week. We will update this story as we hear more. Jasper has asked in lieu of flowers that you send him Skoal and some meth.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.