RÉCIPROQUE BAY, ALABAMA — A Democrat in the State of Alabama has drafted new legislation she hopes will be a “counterbalancing measure” to the nation’s most restrictive abortion law since the 1973 landmark Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision. Earlier this week, Alabama’s governor signed a law that prohibits abortion at every stage of pregnancy and does not have any exceptions except when the mother’s life hangs in the balance. However, there are no exceptions for rape or incest.
Alabama State Rep. Katie Shaw (D) says her proposed amendment would be tacked-onto Alabama’s abortion law, and force every unwed male in the Yellowhammer State to get a vasectomy, which they can only reverse within two weeks of their wedding date. If the wedding is called off for any reason, the man must either submit to chemical castration or another vasectomy. Shaw says she “fully understands how ridiculous and overreaching” her proposal is, however she says all that “makes this proposal the perfect companion to the Republican’s Draconian abortion ban.”
“Hey, if this is all about preventing unwanted pregnancies in the first place, every red blooded, ammo hoarding, God fearing patriot in this state should be lined up around the block to have their weener tubes cut,” Shaw said. “If they’re not cool with someone in the government making their reproductive decisions, they should stop sticking their noses into our uteruses.”
In order to enforce the vasectomy law, Shaw is proposing a 200% tax on all income above six million dollars a year in the state. The funds would go toward establishing a division of the state police called “Dick Dicks,” that would investigate “every erection, boner, stiffy, hard one, and woody” in Alabama. If they find a “cocked cock with a live load,” they’ll ask for proof of marriage. If proof cannot be provided, the man will be sterilized on the spot and sent to jail for a maximum of 235 years.
“Look, if they’re gonna propose a bunch of whacky shit and push it on us, then I’m going to do the same thing because clearly everything is broken already,” Rep. Shaw explained. “If we could just return to a place of logic, where religious fundamentalists aren’t allowed to put the rights of a blastocyst over the rights of the woman that blastocyst needs to one day, maybe, if she doesn’t miscarry or face another complication, develop into a human being, then we wouldn’t have their dumb laws or my dumb counter-proposal.”
Shaw says she fully anticipates lawsuits to stop the new abortion ban, but with the Supreme Court now decidedly more conservative since President Trump took office, she is not confident at all that they won’t reverse any lower court decision that strikes Alabama’s law down.
“This is law is going to be fought all the way to the Supreme Court, and we could lose. Mitch McConnell is a bulging and wet eyed racist little coal humping toad for stealing a Supreme Court Seat from the last president because he was a Democrat and black to boot,” Shaw said. “So, there’s definitely a part of me that understands what I’m doing is a protest. But we have to try to make our voices heard, even in a state like this.”
State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen, a Republican, blasted Shaw’s proposal.
“Um, excuse me? What in the actual hell is Rep. Shaw talking about,” Thompaulsen said. “I wasn’t married to my cousin Henrietta when I got her pregnant, and we’d still be married to this day if I hadn’t gotten my intern pregnant, and I never should’ve listened to Henrietta and hired my niece to be my intern, because I knew as her my cousin from a couple of family reunions where I could tell she was a schemer. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh right, you can’t stop a man’s dingledonger doing what the Good Lord put it there to do. I hope Rep. Shaw reads her Bible tonight.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.