AIDS, Cancer Considering Presidential Run After Trump’s Approval Rating Drops To 37%

Thanks to the results of a recently published Gallup poll, the AIDS virus and actual, literal cancer are considering running for president in 2020. Gallup’s new poll shows that newly elected and sworn-in Co-President Donald Trump currently has the lowest approval rating of any president this early in his presidency, at just 37%. This morning, in an angry series of tweets sent before seven o’clock in the morning, Trump blasted the polling.

Mr. Trump was confused, because CNN was just reporting the results of the Gallup poll. That confusion, Trump would later say, has him considering an executive order banning anything that could confuse a sitting president. Trump admitted that, with him in the Oval Office, the list of confusing things could grow “quite bigly.”

The results of Gallup’s poll might be bad news for Team Trump, but for AIDS and cancer, it has opened a whole new universe of career possibilities.

“I always thought I was too dangerous, and frankly unprepared to be president,” AIDS told us via Skype, “but after seeing that orange twat waffle get elected, and seeing his approval ratings, I figure people like me just as much as Trump and think I’d be just as good a choice for president.”

Cancer completely agreed.

“Yeah, I mean, I’m literal cancer and everyone hates me,” Cancer said, “and they have all those shirts that say ‘Fuck Cancer’ on them. But I tell you what, I think I’ve got a shot at this in 2020, after watching Don the Con in action.”

AIDS said that even though he knows he has a very bad reputation, he still has many qualities that distinguish him, in a good way, from Trump.

“Okay, I’m AIDS and that’s certainly a challenge for my campaign, given how many deaths I’m responsible for,” AIDS admitted, “but I didn’t propose gutting the arts so my trophy wife — who we all know secretly hates me — can stay behind in New York and raise our child I really don’t have much to do with other than cutting checks every month so said trophy wife can feed him. Oh, and I’m not a rich, out of touch cunt. There’s that too.”

Cancer had similar thoughts as AIDS.

“Yeah, I’m cancer, and I suck, and everyone hates me,” Cancer said, “but I’m not trying to take Meals on Wheels away. I’m not punishing Big Bird so that some Nazi shit head out in Kentucky feels good about sticking it to the libtards. Oh, and I’m also not an orange, piss-smelling oligarch who wants to fuck his daughter, so I figure that’s a point for me.”

The Trump Administration declined to comment on this story, as it is actual fake news, not real news, which they only comment on to call it fake.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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