WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today from within the Oval Office, President Donald Trump issued a warning to Democrats, should they recapture both the House and Senate in this year’s midterm elections in November.
“I’ve heard a lot of talk of impeachification, and let me just tell you right now — not gonna happen. You can’t impeach me, baby,” Trump told reporters from various right-wing media outlets this morning. “It’s literally impossible to impeach President Donald Trump, and I’ve had my most excellent, EXTREMELY Jewish, lawyers confirm this for me, fam.”
Confused and visibly puzzled, various members of the press pool began peppering Trump with questions.
“This is all very simple to understand,” Trump said, a grin coming over his face. “DONALD TRUMP cannot be impeached. Do you hear me? DONALD TRUMP CAN NEVER BE IMPEACHED.”
Still confused, reporters continued their barrage of inquiries.
“Settle down! Settle down! I’ll explain this in terms even stupid liberals who aren’t really Americans can understand,” Trump explained. “You see, you can’t impeach me, David Dennison took the oath of office.”
Trump continued to explain his legal strategy.
“Check it out, pretty much everyone on my campaign figured if it ever got out how dirty and corrupt my entire crime syndicate family and associates are, that I’d be impeached so fast my head would spin,” Trump said. “This really bummed me out until my old lawyer, some guy you’ve probably never heard of called ‘Mikey Co-Ham’ or something, never got his name, really, barely the knew the guy, if at all, told me to use the Stormy Technique.”
The president paused, opening a Diet Coke and reaching into the hot drawer he had installed in the Resolute Desk, removing a bucket of KFC.
“At first I thought he meant that I should have Justice Roberts smack me over the ass with a copy of Forbes, but then I figured out what he meant,” Trump said. “So I made sure to cross my fingers behind my back while I took the oath and said, in my head, which is totally legally binding by the way, ‘By order of me, Lord King President, my name is David Dennison. My name is David Dennison. My name is David Dennison.’ So, now you can’t impeach President Donald Trump. BOO YAH. CHECK MATE, DEMOTARDS!”
Mr. Trump has already received reassurance from some of his most trusted advisers that he is on “very bigly solid legal ground.”
“John Barron personally called me up and told me this is a great idea,” Trump said, “and over the years, I’ve learned to trust what the sexy, beguiling, charming, enormously successful businessman with giant hands says.”
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