Agrabah Preemptively Strikes Pearl Harbor

OAHU, HAWAII — Sources with the Pentagon are confirming at the time of publishing that the 1st Royal Air Force of Agrabah, under the leadership of Prince Ali, Fabulous He, Ali Ababwa has attacked Pearl Harbor on the island of Oahu in Hawaii.  The Department of Defense has not released a casualty count or damage estimate, but President Barack H. Obama released a statement saying, “The Sultan of Agrabah and Prince Ali, Fabulous He, Ali Ababwa are entering a whole new world of consequences for this heinous act on a day that will live in infamy or something.”

The Sultan via Agrabah state television told the people of his country that “far too many Americans believe they should bomb” his country and that the strike on Pearl Harbor was “a defense of [Agrabah’s] sovereignty.” The Sultant told his people that while retaliation from the U.S. was an “almost dead certainty,” he and his advisers determined “they’d probably bomb us anyway since that’s sort of what they do now.”

“Let’s face it,” the Sultan said, “the United States has had a policy of bomb first, ask questions later — if you feel like it and/or there’s enough outside pressure from the international community to hold yourself accountable — for quite some time now. Chances are at some point a drone strike or twenty would take place in our air space, even though we’re not at war with them. So we figured you, know, YOLO, and attacked Pearl Harbor.”

The Sultan was likely referring to a recent poll that showed 30% of Republican respondents, and 19% of Democratic participants, said they’d support a bombing campaign in Agrabah. The same poll showed that nearly half — 41% to be exact — of self-described Donald Trump supporters — said they would support bombing the Sultan’s country as well. Another poll, conducted as a follow-up, asked why they’d support airstrikes in Agrabah, and 85% listed “plundering The Cave of Wonders” as their primary reason, while “oil,” “more oil,” and “cuz freedom” were also cited by respondents.

“The rampant Islamaphobia on the right wing of the American political spectrum couldn’t be more obvious,” the Sultan said in his broadcast, “and when you have a bunch of people supporting the bombing a peaceful country whose main export is genie lamps and magic carpets, that should set off an alarm bell for anyone on the right that isn’t whackadoodle crazy.”

The White House was still “assessing the situation” they said via statement. According to the press release, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden have been briefed on the attack, but there was no clear indication that the bombs dropped did any damage. “Apparently,” the administration’s statement said, “Agrabah is a country that exists in a cartoon, and that would mean that the bombs dropped by their warship would be traditional, two-dimensional cell animation, and our entire armed forces has been outfitted with anti-animation armor since 1972 when the Yosemite Sam Incident took place.”

“While we take this act of aggression very seriously,” Obama’s statement said, “we won’t jump to any rash conclusions, nor go overboard with our reaction. Sure, we may glass a country that’s tangentially related to Agrabah, but that would be pretty much par for the course for this country, wouldn’t it?” The statement said that Obama would address the nation later tonight from the Oval Office, and provide as “clear a picture” as he can as to what the American response to the attack from Agrabah will be.

This story is developing and will be updated as more information becomes available.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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