After Trump Wins New Hampshire, GOP Changes Mascot From Elephant to Douche Nozzle

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the stunning if not largely anticipated New Hampshire primary victory of billionaire reality-TV star Donald J. Trump, the Republican National Committee has announced they are changing their mascot from an elephant to a douche nozzle.

“Why fight it,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus asked reporters at the press conference announcing the historic change. “Donald Trump is the face, name, and shrill, shrieking voice of today’s Republican Party, and Donald Trump is an unequivocal douche nozzle.”

Pulling back a crisp white sheet with a point at the top from an easel, Priebus then revealed the new Republican logo. Indeed, it was the nozzle end of an old fashioned douche. Priebus threw his hands in the air in a shrug when the logo was revealed and a barely audible, “Whatever,” could be heard escaping his lips according to many in attendance.

“If you think about it, this makes sense on about fifty different levels,” Mr. Priebus told reporters. “A douche is a device that used be heavily favored for the purpose of cleaning out and freshening up a woman’s vagina,” Priebus said, “but over time we’ve found they do far more harm than good, much like our policies toward women. Also, a douche is used inside a vagina, and we Republicans want to make government small enough to fit into your vagina so we can dictate to you when you can procreate.”

The similarities between a douche nozzle and Donald Trump, Priebus said, “are stunning and never ending.”

“He serves no useful purpose and belongs nowhere near a woman, much less her vagina,” Priebus said, “which in my mind means him leading our party and us changing our mascot are just a perfectly timed little slice of Republican pie, which of course is like normal pie, but tastes better when rich people eat it.”

Mr. Priebus did say, however, that if Trump doesn’t win have a big showing on Super Tuesday and doesn’t win the nomination, the GOP would not change its mascot to a douche nozzle.

“We’ll make it a giant crucifix to represent our one, true American Christian faith, and center it over piles and piles of sweet, green, American cash,” Priebus said, “because those two symbols will always represent what Republicans are truly about — conservative Christians and money.”

Polling data available at the time of publication shows Trump with very favorable odds to win at least one of the states’ primaries on Super Tuesday.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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