Afghanistan War Anxious to Turn 18 So It Can Enlist and Fight in Itself

On Sunday, October 7th, 2001 the United States of America gave birth to a brand new, bouncing baby war. Conceived by its parents President George W. Bush and Vice-President Dick Palpatine, and then raised in surrogacy by the American people, the Afghanistan War started as a response to the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York, and the Pentagon building in the nation’s capital. That baby war has now grown into a teenager, and it will turn 16 in just a few short weeks, almost ready to drive on its own.

We sat down with the Afghanistan War for an exclusive interview, and it told us it was “anxious and excited” to turn 18, so it could enlist in the armed services and be shipped off to fight in itself.

“It’s every little war’s dream to drag on long enough to one day be old enough to enlist,” Afghanistan War — AW to its friends and family — told us, “and so when I heard that President Trump was applying his clear military genius to step me up and deploy more troops to me, I got real excited.”

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AW explained that a lot of wars in America’s history never reach the age it, which has made it feel like it has to look over its shoulder all the time, worried that one day it’ll end. If that day were to come before AW was 18 years old and eligible to serve, it says it would understand, but that it would still feel “really bummed.” AW’s eighteenth birthday isn’t until October of 2019, but it says with Trump’s recent promise to send thousands more troops to Afghanistan, it has lots of hope that it will be able to hold out until then.

“I had a feeling when he was elected it would bode well for my chances to get into there and fight in myself,” AW said, “He is the guy who couldn’t even make a casino profitable, after all. But you just never know with him what you’re going to get, so obviously it was a real big relief when he announced he wanted a troop surge.”

When word broke of Trump’s plans, AW says it got calls from both of its biological parents.

“Well, Bush called and wished me luck,” AW said, “and Dick thanked me for helping to plump up his bank account all these years. So that was nice to hear from them. Real nice, actually.”

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Should it either not make it to eighteen years of age, or if the military won’t take it for some reason, AW has a backup plan, it told us.

“I think I might go to school, get an English degree or something,” AW said, “and teach literature. Something where I can make a difference.”

AW will turn 17 this year, and it will decide in the coming weeks or months whether to begin the early enlistment process. Watch this space for developments.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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