Soldier In Afghanistan is ‘Completely Reassured’ Having D-List Reality TV Star Commanding Her

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AFGHANISTAN — Private First Class Sandra Robles was just two years old when the 9/11 attacks took place. She says she doesn’t have any memories of that day, but she has heard from her parents and family members many times how shocking and horrifying it was witnessing that terror attack unfold on live TV. Robles enlisted in the army after graduating high school, and is about to be shipped off to Afghanistan to serve a tour of duty in a war that was started when she wasn’t even in preschool yet.

“I’m a little nervous, if I’m being honest,” Robles said, “but I tell you what. After watching a D-List Reality TV star give a speech about it, I’m completely reassured that everything will be fine and go according to whatever his secret plan is for victory in Afghanistan.

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Robles was referring to the speech that President Donald Trump made to the nation, laying out his intentions to increase the number of troops currently in Afghanistan. The White House said there are other elements to the plan, but that they are not making them public yet. PFC Robles says that she’s looking forward to applying what she’s learned during her service thus far. Though this is her first deployment since enlisting, she’s not feeling overly worried or anxious about it since watching Trump’s speech last night.

“Oh it totally put my mind at ease,” Robles said, “because if anyone can lead this country to victory, it’s the guy who had a team of producers spoon feeding his opinions and decisions to him for half a decade on a reality-TV show.”

Ms. Robles believes that in the end, Trump will be listed among the greatest military minds the country has ever known.

“Men like Custer, Pickett, McClellan, and Benedict Arnold,” Robles said, “that’s the pantheon of greatness that I am sure President Trump will enter when it’s all said and done.

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Robles is hoping that Trump borrows from his past and “does what he knows works best for him” in terms of making decisions that will impact her on the battlefield.

“Maybe he should see if his reality TV producers are busy,” Robles suggest, “because it seems like all the best decisions he makes someone else makes for him. That would definitely put my mind even more at ease. I mean, don’t get me wrong, clearly the guy who plasters his name all over everything like a dog pissing on every tree he sees will be measured and logical in his approach to things that impact whether thousands of people will die in a far off land somewhere.”

Ultimately, PFC Robles says she’s taken a sort of fatalistic approach to her tour in Afghanistan, and that mindset is helping her cope with any fears she has about them, or Trump being her commander in chief.

“I mean, at first I thought a guy who couldn’t make a casino profitable shouldn’t be making any decisions that impact anyone,” Robles told us, “But then, I realized, we’re all gonna die one day anyway, so, you know, YOLO and stuff.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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