Adult Hitler: “I’d Totally Go Forward in Time and Kill Baby Ben Shapiro”

HELL — Adolf Hitler was asked by a reporter this morning about statements made by right-wing media personality Ben Shapiro at an anti-abortion rights rally in Washington, D.C. yesterday. During his speech before other anti-choice activists, Shapiro turned heads and cocked eyebrows when he seemed to defend a hypothetical Baby Hitler from time-traveling murderers.

As reported by HuffPostShapiro was asked an online question and was recording his speech for later release on his podcast, reading advertisement copy as he did so, when he answered an online question about whether he’d kill Baby Hitler or not, if given the chance. Mr. Shapiro is a devout member of the Jewish faith. Shapiro, however, didn’t let the fact that Hitler would end-up gassing millions of his fellow Jews, when tackling the philosophical question, however.

“The argument, I guess here, is that would you kill baby Hitler?” Shapiro said in what appeared to be a response to a question submitted online. “And the truth is that no pro-life person on earth would kill baby Hitler, because baby Hitler wasn’t Hitler, adult Hitler was Hitler. Baby Hitler was a baby. What you presumably want to do with baby Hitler is take baby Hitler out of baby Hitler’s house and move baby Hitler into a better house where he would not grow up to be Hitler, right? That’s the idea.”

HuffPost also pointed out that Shapiro has defended Baby Hitler from would-be assassins on his podcast in the past.

He previously cautioned against hypothetically killing baby Hitler in a 2015 podcast episode titled “Don’t Kill Baby Hitler.”

Taking a break from his 24-Hell hour, 7-Hell day a Hell week schedule of getting forcefully penetrated rectally with a hot menorah, Hitler spoke on the Fox News’ Hell affiliate’s morning show about the comments Shapiro made. Hitler was specifically asked if he had access to time travel when he was back on Earth if he’d have murdered Ben Shapiro. His answer would likely surprise no one.

“In a Berlin minute,” Hitler said, snapping his fingers. “I mean, wait. He’s still a member of that religion I committed genocide on, right? He’s Jewish, right?”

The Fox News host confirmed for Hitler that Shapiro is Jewish.

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“Oh yeah, then like, 100% I’d kill him,” Hitler said. “Shit, I’d go forward in time and kill Baby Ben Shapiro. Because again, he’s a Jew, and I like, you know, hated Jews. Like, all of them. Even the ones who are so steadfast in their desire to turn women into breeding cows that they think there’s even a reason to defend me as a baby. I’d like to see all the Jews eradicated from existence; even the obviously stupid demagogues.”

Hitler paused.

“Because again, to reiterate. He’s a Jew, and I’m Hitler,” Hitler said. “Fuckin’ duh, Ben. Fuckin’. Duh.”

Shapiro couldn’t reach the kitchen counter in time to answer his phone and comment on this story.

You can watch Shapiro’s statements defending Baby Hitler, in the tweet below:

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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