Adolf Hitler Tired of Being Compared to Donald Trump

NAZI BLOCK, HELL — From within the confines of the Nazi Block that Bob “Satan” Beelzebub built in his Lake of Fire Penitentiary, Adolf Hitler is furious, and he’s not going to be quiet about it.

“That bastard is stealing my material,” Hitler told our reporter by Hell-phone interview, adding that “if people think you need to advocate for the incineration or gassing of more than six million people to be considered a fascist, then the Republicans have done an even better of dumbing down the populace” than he could have possibly hoped to achieve in his own time. Hitler said he’s “sick and tired of being compared to Donald Trump,” and he’s pursuing legal options to shut down the billionaire mogul’s presidential rhetoric on the basis of trademark infringement.

“I had a signature, shitty little mustache, and he’s got a signature, shitty pile of dead straw and human excrement he calls hair,” Hitler said, “and that’s just the mildest of comparisons you can make between us.” Hitler said that “basing a line of political rhetoric solely on the demagoguery of a whole religious sect of people” was something he “worked [his] fingers to their anti-Semitic bones” to perfect and that “some bloviating chump that doesn’t have the balls to call for rounding up his enemies and killing them” will “steal all [his] dictatorial thunder.”

Though he was angry at what he called “a severe violation” of his intellectual property rights when it comes to religious-based persecution of a large swath of people. “He should get his own thing,” Hitler said adding that “fascism, hate-filled rhetoric and propaganda, and downright apathy toward people of non-Aryan descent” was his “shtick.” Hitler said that ultimately he just thinks “Donald is a poser” and that “he probably doesn’t even have the balls to put out a good propaganda film comparing Muslims to rats, or the like,” and that “lack of commitment to the fascist cause” worries him.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Hitler said, “on some level I really admire his pluck. And clearly as his poll numbers stay consistent he’s proving that he might just be able convince a whole lot of Americans to go full-Nazi on the Muslims. He’s already floated the idea that he’d probably have supported the imprisonment of Japanese Americans if he had been president during World War II, and he’s got an entire year left before the election! Imagine the crazy, Islamaphobic shit he can get his base to buy into!” He admits some jealousy, but Hitler said his lawsuit would primarily be about “preserving a brand” that he “worked tirelessly to market aggressively.”

“Then this bloated pig of a douche is going to just waltz in, slap on an American flag lapel pin, put a giant capital R next to his name and bite my rhetorical style,” Hitler demanded incredulously before answering himself, “fuck that shit.” Mr. Hitler told our interviewer that “Trump’s wishy-washy, half-assed approach to Fascism” was going to cost the dictator industry a lot of “hard fought ground” Hitler himself won. “He needs to either go full extermination, or knock it off entirely. You can’t do ethnic purification lightly; it’s all or nothing.”

Mr. Hitler said his attorneys have advised him to keep silent on the terms of the suit, but that he’d update us as it progressed through Hell Court. This story will be updated accordingly.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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