Adelson, Kochs To ‘Go Halvsies’ On Next President of the United States of America

LAKE GEBROCHEN-DEMOKRATIE, FLORIDA — It was no secret during the 2012 presidential election season that both casino billionaire Sheldon Adelson and oil industry billionaires Charles and David Koch all wanted to buy the next president. The three combined to spend close to a billion dollars — if not more — attempting to purchase for themselves a shiny, new robotic president by the name of Mitt Romney. While the exact sum that Adelson and the Kochs contributed in their attempt to purchase controlling interest in the next president is unknown, what is known is that it simply was not enough, and the country ended up “electing” Barack Obama to a second term instead of giving the three mega-rich, old white men the presidency they so clearly had earned by giving away a ton of money.

But 2016 will be different, at least according to the Kochs and Adelson. “What we realized,” Adelson said at a fundraising dinner he held at a hotel in Lake Gebrochen-Demokratie, Florida, “is that Davey, Chuck and I were spending money separately, dividing our purchasing our power. We took a look around and decided to share costs. We’re going to go Dutch this time around.” Adelson told the attendees at the dinner — who all paid at least $15,000 a plate for the choice of chicken, beef, or fish and rice pilaf and a chance to listen to an octogenarian billionaire tell them why he would help make the country safe to be a billionaire with so much money your great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren could never spend trough it all. “The three of us will make sure — as the country’s newly minted oligarchic financial backers of your new president — that once again insanely, filthy rich people can once again feel secure in the knowledge that their blessed earthly fortunes will be protected from the thieving hands of the government daring to ask for a few more pennies on the dollar.”

At a separate fundraising event in Iowa, Charles Koch told a room full of donors that his brother and he were quite excited to be teaming-up with Adelson. “We held a lot of meetings and came to the conclusion that the three of us have so many of the same goals in mind — chiefly ensuring that the nation’s economy continue to be rigged to punish the working class while the elite financier class that is taxed at a wholly different rate, thereby making the income tax rate almost a moot point, keeps getting richer and richer and richer, sucking up even more of the nation’s wealth.” Koch said that “Shel and I will personally ensure that the president we buy will do our bidding — er I mean will listen to the voice of the people, or whatever.”

A third, even more expensive fundraiser was being held in New Hampshire by David Koch, who told donors at that dinner that he knows “Chuck, Shel and I will be able to deliver the goods this time” because “the moochers won’t have their Dear Leader to inspire them” and “we’ve done a good job helping push poll taxes — er we mean voter ID laws — in some key swing states” and that “in the worst case scenario we will just buy the property the White House is on and evict any Democrat who lives there.”

“I’m tremendously excited about this partnership,” Adelson told his audience. “After all, isn’t unity, and teamwork what this country was built on? Well, the Kochs and I are teaming up to make sure the agenda our government follows the next twenty or thirty years ensures future generations of Kochs and Adelsons will be in charge of the purse strings too, and isn’t that really what the founders intended — a system of government where the super rich control everything? I think so. And you do too. Don’t you,” he asked the crowd, that three thousands of hundred dollar bills in the air — a traditional sign of agreement from large groups of affluent people, creating a loud, fluttering sound unlike bourgeois clapping produces.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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