RIO DE MIERDA, NEW MEXICO — The 2016 Republican presidential primary has seen no shortage of contenders come and go. Candidates who the party establishment assumed would be a shoe-in just a couple of years ago like Governor Scott Walker (WI) have left the race, and even Jeb! Bush has struggled to make much noise with billionair mogul Donald Trump sucking all the air out of the room. Trump, however, has been making many within the party very nervous of late, and they’re even starting to wonder if his xenophobic and Islamaphobic bombast will not only cost them the White House, but their majorities in Congress as well.
That inner party tumult is precisely why Harold P. Dookie, an actual pile of human excrement, says he is throwing his feces-stained hat in the ring. Dook, or Duke as he’s called by his friends and family, says that he’s been a lifelong Republican that has been considering leaving the party of late. “I don’t know if you can tell,” Duke told our reporter, “but I don’t exactly have lily-white skin, so the party hasn’t been very welcoming even to me of late.”
“Maybe I’m a little nutty,” Duke told us, “but I think I have a legitimate shot at this.” Duke said that his biggest weakness to voters will be his “putrid fetid, stink” but that he “doesn’t stink nearly as much as the anti-immigrant and Islamaphobic rhetoric” that Trump has been engaged in lately. “I seem to remember a time when Republicans were so proud of their country they saw immigration as a wonderful think because it meant people were leaving their home countries — often times leaving socialism behind — to strike out for a better life here,” Duke said, “but now they’ve invested so deeply in winning at all costs that when a guy stands up there and says blatantly fascist stuff, they can only blink and nod and say he’s got a point.”
It’s out of his patriotism, Duke says, that he wants to be president. “I don’t want to be corny, of course,” Duke said while dabbing runny, viscous tears from his eyes, “but I really do love this country. So it would be an honor to serve it.” Duke tried to assuage conservative concerns about his ideology when he told us that he is in favor of a smaller government, but he also attempted to calm moderates when he told us that he “may think government is best when it’s limited” but that doesn’t mean he feels a “a need to destroy the parts of it that do good for people.”
“That’s not conservative,” Duke said, “That’s just inhumane and anti-populist.”
Duke says the he can understand why there would still be reservations about his candidacy, despite assurances to hard line conservatives and moderates that he was “tough” but also “reasonable. He says it’s probably the fact that he is literally a pile of human poop that puts people off the most, but he says he has a good response to that particular critique as well.
“I may literally be shit, but at least I’m not a racist, or an Islamaphobe, or a homophobe,” Duke said proudly, adding, “At least I don’t pretend we live in 1932 and I can tell a woman what to do with her body. At least I acknowledge climate change is a real threat, even if I disagree with exactly how to fix the problem. Basically, I’m the conservative that Republicans used to be until the religious right and the Birchers got their hooks into the party. So yeah, I think I’m more electable than Donald Trump, sure.”
Donald J. Trump is currently leading the field in most nationally relevant polls.