AAA Releases Guide For Black Travelers To Avoid Areas Where It’s Illegal To Impersonate White Behavior

HEATHROW, FLORIDA — Ahead of the summer travel season, the American Automobile Association has compiled a list of areas in the United States that black tourists may want to avoid if they wish to skip being harangued by a middle aged white woman for doing things white people do all the time.

“AAA knows better than any other organization that the summer months are the best months to take a road trip across this great country of ours,” the new AAA brochures read, “but we also know that it might be a tad dangerous and/or life threatening for certain melanin-enhanced Americans to drive through certain melanin-adverse areas of this great country of ours, and that’s why we compiled this travel guide for our African American friends.”

The travel guide will have a special, easily identified name so that members know which travel guide is right for them.

“The new guide will called ‘AAA’s Guide For AAs’,” the announcement says. “Those last two A’s are for ‘African Americans,’ of course.”

AAA says that they attempted to find out why certain areas were more dangerous for African American motorists than others, but the data was inconclusive.

“The best we can come up with is that there are some places in America that have laws on the books that make it illegal for black people to impersonate white behavior,” AAA writes. “Because we’ve been seeing an awful lot of black people harassed for doing what white people get away with literally every second of every day.”

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Among the areas that AAA suggests black motorists skip — California’s northern bay area.

“You would think that the bastion of liberal, free thought would be more tolerant to African Americans’ general presence in their daily lives,” AAA writes. “However, recent events have shown us that while both barbecuing and young entrepreneurship are widely practiced by white Americans, in the Bay Area, that behavior can get you into hot water if you’re a person of color.”

If black travelers simply cannot avoid the Bay area, AAA recommends they stock up on some things that will allow them to simply drive through without stopping.

“Clearly bottled water should be purchased outside the area, and if you find yourself in need of a quick pit stop to barbecue some fine meats like any other white American would do,” AAA writes, “DON’T. Just don’t. Trust us. Maybe the cops that show up will be cool to you; sure, there’s a chance of that. But is that a risk you and your beautiful, Nubian family want to take? Of course it’s not.”

The new AAA AA Travel Guides will be mailed out to black AAA members beginning this week.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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