Of the literal trillions of crimes that Big Pharma commits every day, perhaps none is more cruel than when they “sell” you “drugs” to “help” you get “better” when you’re “sick.” Why all the quotation marks? Because those are all buzzwords that Big Pharma uses to convince you to keep using their so-called “medicines.” Sure, you might be taking some pill or another, or even having some chemical injected into your body, and it may feel like it’s “working,” but is that all healthcare is about?
Some of our more astute readers, however, have been emailing, calling, faxing, and organic smoke-signalling us asking for some alternative medicine or drug to try because they’ve just grown sick and tired of western medicine healing them. They understand that life sometimes hands you an infectious disease, and all you can do is cleanse your chi, drink some jasmine eucalyptus platypus semen tea, and mediate your body back to health. We got so many inquiries, in fact, that we decided to compile the six most common homeopathic remedies we wound up suggesting the most.
Did we miss your favorite? Let us know.
6. Hop on One Foot and Yell “Wooba Wooba Wooba!”
Developed in the late 20th century by Dr. M. Grover, the Wooba Technique has never been actually proven to cure any malady whatsoever. However, it also hasn’t not been proven to not cure anything either. So, in a way, you’d be doing the experiments yourself since Dr. Grover never got approval from the lab he worked for to do the Wooba experiments as when they found out what he was planning to do, they told him to, “Get the hell out” of there and “never, ever come back.”
5. Kiss a Llama
In 1809, Esmeralda Hoffstetler made out with a llama and on her deathbed five years later she claimed to have never suffered a cold after that fateful encounter. In the more than 200 years since Hoffstetler locked lips with a llama, almost four other people have reported similar things happening to them. Call that coincidence if you’d like, but we call that hard, factual evidence that Big Pharma is hiding the llama cure from us!
4. Cinnamon Suppository
This one was made famous when former Beatle Pete Best said in an interview that he taught Paul McCartney to take a suppository of cinnamon when he was feeling under the weather. Within weeks, the world’s cinnamon supply was heavily threatened. When so-called doctors came out and told everyone that putting the spice up their butts wasn’t really doing anything from a medical standpoint, cinnamon suppositories fell out of vogue, but Dr. Jenny McCarthy was recently heard wondering aloud if there’s a way to cure autism caused by vaccines with a cinnamon suppository, so the jury yet still be out.
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3. Chemtrail Bath
The first thing you learn at Mercola University’s medical school is how dangerous chemtrails are. Then you learn how they are actively put into our air supply by Big Pharma, the GOVERNMENT, and Taco Bell. The nefarious goal? To get us to crave Cheesy Gordita Crunches and Nachos Bel Grandes! But as bad as chemtrails are to breathe, it turns out if you bathe in the chemicals that make the trails, you can cure several common problems like gout, diarrhea, and light to medium grade AIDS. Or at least that’s what Alex Jones said today on his show, and he’s literally never lied, so there’s that.
2. Star Wars Movie Marathon
Admittedly, this one is just personal anecdotal experience, but growing up, on sick days from school, I’d watch all three Star Wars movies. And I was always at school the next day. Maybe I’m crazy, but it seems to me like I just proved watching Star Wars cures cancer, at the very minimum.
1. See Your Doctor for More Suggestions
We’re not perfect, okay? Maybe we missed something. Maybe everything we suggested here won’t work…for you…even though they, like, TOTALLY worked for other people. If you find yourself completely out of homeopathic remedies to try, go see your doctor. They all keep a secret book full of old timey cures in their doctor libraries, and you just have to know to ask to see them! And if none of that works, maybe they have some all natural, GMO-free medicine for you to try!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
