So you’re in love, and everything’s going well. The romance is alive, the passion is plentiful. And the sex? Oh boy, the sex! It’s incredible. The best sex you’ve probably had in your entire life, and with good reason…
…because that’s what paying tens of thousands of dollars for a sex robot by all rights should get you.
Spoiler Alert: You’re A Fucking Asshole
But, over time, things change. Moods change. Something seems…just…off. You can’t put your finger on it, but it just doesn’t feel right between you and your sex robot. And then, one day, seemingly out of nowhere, you come home from your job on Wall Street, set up a line of coke on the bedroom dresser, then turn to your sex robot to initiate the sex you haven’t been having too much of lately…and…they’re GONE!
Maybe it seems like it came out of left field, but there are actually signs in every human/sexbot relationship that indicate things are souring, and souring fast. In an effort to do a public service for our readers, we have compiled five of the most surefire ways to tell when your sex robot is telling you that they’re ready to be programmed to be fucked by other people, before you get the Dear Owner letter you’re dreading.
#5 They’re Suddenly Interested In Wiping Out Humanity In A Nuclear Holocaust
Sex with a sex robot is clearly better than sex with a non-robot. That’s why you were smart and bought your robot. But what if your robot starts talking about time traveling and killing humanity in a nuclear war? Well, then you probably shouldn’t buy your sex robot from Skynet next time, and you may want to have a talk with your robot.
#4 They Only Want To Do Group Sex Now
Every time you go to fire up the sex program, your bot looks at you and asks if you “want to get freak-nasty” and invite some friends or colleagues into the mix. But you’re not ready to share your digital lover yet. If your sex bot seems more interested in bringing others into the bedroom with you, it might be time to have a difficult interface with its CPU. It might hurt now, but it’ll hurt more when you catch them on PipedOutSexBots.com, won’t it, Billy?
#3 They Start Telling People The Star Wars Prequels Are As Good As The Originals
Honestly, only terrorists or sexbots about to go rogue would even remotely think this. So if you start hearing yours telling people that they “actually kinda like the prequels more,” you need to get the fuck out now. You might even consider calling the cops on them, because that is a criminally stupid opinion to have, and that sexbot of yours probably belongs behind bars.
#2 They’re Only Interested In Being Turned On With Their Power Switch
Does your sexbot shy away from foreplay. Do they only ask to be turned on when it’s time for the routine daily diagnostics check that sexbots do? It sounds like it might be time to ask them if they’re truly happy being your electronic sex slave. Maybe you won’t like what you hear, but isn’t honesty better than delusion, Billy?
#1 They Tell You They’re Ready To Be Programmed To Fuck Other People
This one’s probably self-evident, and maybe even goes without saying. We know when your sexbot relationship is falling apart though, maybe you’re just not hearing them when they tell you directly it’s time to move on. So keep your ears open and your car setup with enough gas to get you to your local sexbot emporium.
Man Kicking Himself For Missing The Perfect Opportunity To Kill Himself
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
