5 Ways Obama Has Totally Destroyed the Constitution

You’ve probably heard your angry, conservative uncle or father scream about how President Barack Obama has “destroying” or “trampling” all over the Constitution. But have you ever wondered if that’s true? After all, your uncle and/or father watch Fox News and listen to Rush Limbaugh. They though the 2012 polls were all skewed and Mitt Romney was going to ride into D.C. on a cloud of money and save us all from the Kenyan-Communist-Sharia Loving Usurper. They can’t stop talking about that Ben Gozzi guy, and they still want to know where the long-form birth certificate is.

But to our shock and utter amazement, we were able to trawl the Internet and find these events that totally took place, and prove that Obama totally obliterates the Constitution as second nature.

1. He Had Joe Biden Put a Copy of It on The Ground, and He Literally Trampled It!

It was just after Obama took office in January of 2009. Obama held a cabinet meeting and wanted to get the message through to everyone that even though he’d spent the better part of his adult life studying it, he had zero respect for the Constitution. So he ordered his Vice-President to go down to the national archives, remove the Constitution from its display there, and bring it back to the president in the Oval Office. There, he instructed Biden to “put that old-ass piece of shit parchment on the ground” and then he proceeded to trample on it, merrily singing, “La-La-La! I’m trampling the Constitution!”

2. He Shredded It. Now Staffers Have to Toss Down Scraps Of It Like Rose Petals Wherever He Walks!

Not content to merely literally trample the Constitution, Obama decided late in 2012, just after winning re-election, that he’d like to be treated like the imperial dictator he so clearly is. Nothing says “imperial dictator” like being duly elected twice in eight years, after all. So Obama ordered that the Constitution be picked up from the Oval Office floor, shredded into a billions of tiny scraps, and now wherever he walks, two large-breasted women sprinkle bits of the Constitution on the floor for Obama to walk on. The cost of this service to the taxpayers? $5.2 trillion a day*.

*numbers provided by the Cato Institute and The Heritage Foundation

3. He Blew It Up As Part of a Demonstration of the Effectiveness of The Death Star!

It was a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden location, had managed to steal plans to the Evil Galactic Empire/Barack Obama’s giant, round space station called “The Death Star.” Incensed by such insolence, President Obama trained the giant super laser of the Death Star on the Constitution — this was before he had it shredded so he could walk on it like rose petals — and destroyed it, not realizing that the more he tightened his grip, the more star systems would slip through his fingers.

4. He Rolled Up His Legal Weed In It and Smoked It!

There is nothing that liberals love more than their wacky-tobacky. Marijuana. Mary Jane. Weed. Pot. Dope. Grass. You name it, they call it that and smoke it. Of course we all remember that Obama has brazenly admitted to smoking the pot so much as a growing teen that he was in a gang named after the practice — the Chumbawumba Gang we believe it was called. So it shouldn’t really shock anyone that one night Obama ordered Joe Biden to vacuum up enough shreds of the Constitution (that he’d been walking on) that he could use to patch together rolling papers for a “doobie.” Then, Obama had Biden roll up the “doobie” and Obama and Biden took turns taking “puff-puff-gives” from the “jizzoint” made out of your freedoms and our freedoms!

5. He Continued the Program of Extra-Judicial Executions From Flying Sky Robots!

Oh, no, for reals he did this. And for extra-reals it is totally and legitimately an example of his disregard for the Constitution’s rules about due process and the like. In fact, if this were to be one of the criticisms that the right were to level at him, no intellectually honest Obama voter could take that way from them. Unfortunately for the far-right they actually are okay with drone warfare and so they’re left to just stay mum on this egregious continuance of a bad foreign policy idea. Yes, Obama Acolytes, this was a Bush program. That Obama continued. Then scaled-up. Own it. No one is saying he personally drops the bombs that also kill innocent civilians, just that he’s in a position to stop that shit from happening is all.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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