5 Things We Wish Obama Would Say In His ISIS Address Tonight

President Barack Obama will address the nation from the White House tonight to presumably give his pitch for increased authority to arm the rebels in Syria, and to authorize airstrikes in the war-torn country. The impetus for this rush to make war is the advance of ISIS — the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria — and the threat that a unified, cohesive and dangerously barbaric fundamentalist Islamic terrorist group brings to the table. Many in this country are worn out already from the previous administration’s war efforts, particularly the war effort in the exact same region that Obama will ask for his war in.

But how exactly will Obama sell his war to the American people? Well, we have a wish list of things we hope we hear Obama say tonight as he makes his big pitch for arming one side of a sectarian conflict that will probably end up hating the western world and the U.S. in particular in a decade or two, and here’s the list.

obama1#5. “This isn’t my Iraq War, this is my Vietnam baby! I’m just doing my Lyndon Johnsonian duty and continuing a failed war effort of my predecessor. Or maybe I’m like Richard Nixon in this case since it’s a president from a different party’s war? Whatever, pass the pork rinds, it’s time to arm some rebel!”

U.S. President Obama speaks at the White House in Washington#4. “Maybe we did spend ten years destroying the biggest terrorist organization in the world, only to have ISIS pop up in its place. But hey, what kind of centrist-Republican would I be if I didn’t play my part in propping up the military industrial complex?”

Obama 3#3. “Nothing says ‘spreading democracy’ like forcing countries to reshape their governments by way of choosing sides in a sectarian civil war wherein both sides have used chemical weapons on each other and we have no assurances or reason to believe the people we side with won’t turn on the west in a decade or so themselves. Am I right or am I right?”

Obama 4#2. “Don’t worry everyone, I’ll make sure to maintain our perfect post-World War II record in Wars of Choice.”

Obama5#1. “Okay, I get it. You don’t want to start another war. But what if we just send Dick Cheney?”

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This