5 Things That Would Disappoint Sarah Palin More Than “President Hillary Clinton”

Sarah Palin would be "disappointed" if Hillary Clinton won the presidency in 2016, but what else would disappoint The Queen of Derp?

Did you hear the news? Sarah Palin said something so full of unintentional irony the world nearly imploded in on itself under the weight of it all. When you think of the word “disappointment,” who else but the woman who couldn’t even finish out her one term in an elected position higher than city-council member comes to mind? Who else but the woman who was going to inspire millions of conservatives to come out and vote for McCain, only to scare people with her stupidity so much that they did the opposite of turning out by the million-load to vote for her comes to mind when you hear the word “disappointment?” Indeed, Sarah Palin is so much the literal embodiment of disappointment that you would think she’d avoid using the word at all costs so as not to give people like me all the ammunition we need to make fun of her mercilessly…as she so richly deserves.

So what’s the Queen of Derp disappointed in now? Well, she’s not disappointed yet, but if this country of ours doesn’t wise-up and elect a good, clean, Christian quitter candidate, and chooses instead to vote for Hillary Clinton — that would disappoint Sarah. Invoking the holiest of holy subjects for the right — Benghazi — Palin told the chirping chum buckets on Fox News, “If [Benghazi] doesn’t have an impact on the 2016 presidential election, if she is a candidate, then America, I am very disappointed in our electorate.” Because you know, being a Wellesley and Yale educated attorney, a United States Senator and the Secretary of State of the United States of America isn’t an impressive resume and one worthy of getting you at least a good hard look from the American people, right?

But you know, people should give Sarah a break. Maybe being disappointed in “President Hillary Clinton” is extremely laughable coming from the most worthless, vapid, unnecessary, incessantly braying mouth in American politics. However, there’s a lot more in this world that Sarah finds disappointing, and we recently found a cocktail napkin she left behind at a bar in Big Fluff, Idaho where she’d been giving a speech the night before, and on it was scrawled in red crayon, “5 Things That Would Disappoint Me More Than ‘President Hillary Clinton.'” And we present that list to you now.

PALIN_ATTENTION_WHORE.png#5. If She Had To Admit To Being a Robot Designed To Say Really Stupid Things

If anyone ever found out that she was created in a lab in Texas specifically to say and do the most insanely stupid and offensive things ever, the jig would be up! Palin can’t let anyone ever find out that Dr. Ray Gin cobbled her together using a thousand Barbies for her body and an empty fire bellows for her brain. How much credibility would she have then? Then again, she doesn’t have any credibility now, so maybe people would just admire her honesty about being a half-robot, half-moron.

#4. If Chick-Fil-A  Took Their “Palin Special” Off the Menu

What do you call a sandwich with two large (chicken) breasts, a homophobic, high calorie sandwich spread, but no nutritional value? The Palin Special, of course. Just like the ex-governor, the Palin Special look nice from afar, but as you get close to it you realize it’s not a sandwich at all, but a massive balled fist and it’s headed right towards your crotch. That’s what Sarah Palin is to this country’s political landscape, a punch to the genitalia. Sarah being the attention whore that she is, she’d be devastated if America’s premier hate-filled chicken sandwich retailer stopped selling her namesake.

#3. If The Real, Socialist Agitator Jesus Came Back Instead of Christian Right-Winger Jesus

For years now, the religious right has been remaking Christendom in the image of their most beloved figures. No, not Jesus or John the Baptist or any of the other disciples; their real beloved figures. Reagan. Bush. The real, true blue American heroes that the Bible is really all about. Everyone knows Sarah’s favorite bible verse from Romans 4:15: “Blessed are they who get ‘er done and tell all the libtards to get their sick and hungry asses back to work!” So imagine her shock and dismay if the Rapture and stuff happens and it’s not Republican Jesus that shows up, but the guy who turned over the money changers’ tables or the guy who said being rich doesn’t get you into heaven, or worse yet the guy who fed a ton of people for free and healed them without making them piss into a cup!

#2. If She Woke Up And Her Mouth Was Missing

How would she do her favorite thing — talking incessantly — without a mouth? What exactly would her purpose be on Earth of she couldn’t be propped up in front of a camera or an audience, open up her mouth and spew garbage for a few thousand dollars a pop? Let’s face it, without her mouth, what value is there to Sarah Palin on the political spectrum. Of course, she could always “write” another book, couldn’t she?

#1. If People Stopped Paying Attention To Her

There is no small amount of irony in writing a list like this and then coming to the end and begging people to stop paying attention to her…so I won’t do that.

In fact, I think the people who keep shouting “JUST IGNORE HER, SHE’LL GO AWAY!” are as completely clueless as Sarah Palin herself is. You don’t ignore problems; you confront them. If you have someone who spends every waking hour actively seeking to make life in America shittier for a class of people, you call them out. If you have someone in the public eye that spouts lies about health care reform, pseudo-science about climate change, ignorant hate-speech about gay people and by and large helps to promulgate the systemic discrimination and disenfranchisement of a class of people — you say something.

We shouldn’t actually ignore the Sarah Palins, Michele Bachmanns or Ted Cruzes of the world. You don’t stop the harmful effects of someone’s speech by letting them to continue to speak unchallenged. We tried to ignore our country’s racism for hundreds of years and ended up murdering each other by the wagon load in the middle of the 19th century over it. We continued to ignore that racism for another hundred years and there were riots in the streets. So as much as it gives Sarah what she wants when media outlets focus on her bullshit, we’re not ever going to stop. Essentially it works like this:

Just because you’re putting the spotlight on Sarah Palin doesn’t mean you can’t still heave rotten tomatoes at her.


James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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I remember having a penpal who was going to the same high school as Hilary and being so jealous (I’m the same age as Chelsea Clinton). The closest I’ll ever let myself get to a Palin is the anger her family wrought when they badmouthed one of the nicest historic hotels in my hometown while campaigning in Dayton, Ohio in 2008. They lost the support of a whole town of mostly Republican voters. You can thank Moose Spice and her horde of spoiled brats for costing McCain at least 50,000 votes with their comments.

Thanks for the Wellesley plug. My daughter who is there now will be looking for a job with her fellow sister alum Hillary.