5 Things Ted Cruz Hated About the “Star Wars” Trailer

The entire world rejoiced this week as a new teaser trailer for “Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens” was released. It was hard to throw a rock and not hit a Facebook friend’s share or news story about the viral sensation that gave us our first glimpse of what an older Han Solo might look like, as well as a few more snatches of what director JJ Abrams has in store for us come December when the film is released to worldwide audiences.

But not everyone was so thrilled about what they saw in the trailer, and one of those who was upset was none other than Senator Ted Cruz. Aides from Cruz’s office contacted The Political Garbage Chute and sent us the following list, prepared by the 2016 presidential hopeful and his staff, and it lists the most terrible things about the trailer in the Texas Republican’s view.

5 Things Ted Cruz Hated About the “Star Wars” Trailer
by Ted Cruz & Staff

Sen. Ted Cruz speaks in Des Moines#5. There Wasn’t Enough Ted Cruz In It

If there is one thing Ted Cruz loves more than just about anything, it’s Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz really loves seeing images of himself in interviews, or generally just doing anything as long as the cameras are trained on him. But right out of the gate, we couldn’t help but notice a distinct dearth of images of Senator Cruz. Why is this? Is there some vast liberal conspiracy to keep Ted Cruz out of the eyes, ears and hearts of Americans everywhere? What’s that you say? You say that the film is set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and therefore it would’t make any sense to have anyone from Earth, let alone a modern day politician in the film?

That sounds like a load of liberal spin to us. Show us the Cruz, JJ Abramoff, or prepare to face a boycott of your film!

#4. Ted Cruz Supports “Traditional” Stormtroopers

Why is it that Liberal Hollywood has to have such a desire to upend all that we true, red-blooded, ammo hoarding patriots hold so dear to us? For how many decades have we known the Stormtroopers to be white? They dress in all-white armor, and the only time we ever got an idea of what one looks like under his mask, we found out he looks like Jango Fett, who is also white. So, um, what’s up with this guy?


JJ Abilify needs to give us back our traditional stormtroopers, or he can expect to not see a single Ted Cruz voter at his movie!

#3. Dick Cheney’s Helmet Looked Way Off

Clearly no one consulted an actual Republican before crafting a replica of Dick Cheney’s helmet. Just another example of hippy-dippy, liberal Hollywood mass manipulation. They are playing with imagery here to imply that the honorable, upstanding, forthright and always honest Dick Cheney is just a horribly mangled and empty, burned-out shell of a human being. And they’re right about it, but man is his helmet way off!

His helmet does NOT look like this.star-wars-the-force-awakens-131835

It looks like this:


STARSHIP-U.S.S-ENTERPRISE-e1365439620720#2. Where Was the Spacecraft Enterprize?!

Typical Hollywood Leftist scum. All this talk of a new Star Wars film, but nary a mention nor a single glimpse of the most important space ship in the Star Wars universe — the Spacecraft Enterprise? Typical left-brained, idiotic, Godless, amoral, pro-gay Hollywood liberal. Comes traipsing into a well-established thing and throws it all out for some kind of other crap that isn’t what we true, red-blooded, meat eating, God fearing, gun clutching American Patriots know so well.

#1. There Wasn’t Enough Ted Cruz In It

No, we mean really, what gives JJ Abraham Lincoln? You take the time to cut together footage from your highly-anticipated film and not a single frame of it is devoted to the most sincere, best qualified person to run the country since that sack full of 90 day old dog shit somehow wound up on the 1996 ballots in six states? It’s a conspiracy against good, clean, American morals. But that’s okay. We’ll fix it right here and now. Here’s another picture of Senator Ted Cruz, because there can never, ever be enough pictures of Senator Ted Cruz.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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