5 Things George W. Bush Should Paint Next

Hey Dubya, paint something like this next, will you?

Proving the old axiom of “Even Bonefied Fucking Idiots Can Paint,” former President George W. Bush has added a new tactic to his attempt to rehabilitate his reputation as robotic servant of Dick Cheney’s Neo-Conservative Wet Dream Dystopia — showing off his delightful paintings. Usually Bush paints things like dogs, but this week on Jay Leno’s show (“The Tonight An Old Hack Hacks It Up For People Who Think He Still Has Talent Show”) he debuted some of his other works, including a portrait of the massive-chinned has-been himself.

This got me to thinking; maybe Dubya would take a commission. So I put together the following list of subjects that ol’ George should paint next, and who knows? Maybe he’ll take me up on this offer. Commence holding breath in 3…2…1…

#5. An Apology Letter 

Maybe it could be an apology to the middle class for using his tax cuts to stretch the income disparity gap to new heights. Maybe it’d be an apology to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Maybe it would be an apology for starting a permanent war in Afghanistan, or a war built on lies in Iraq. What’s clear is that no one among the cabal of war mongers and One Percenter Sycophants that was his administration has any shred of humility or shame for the multitudinous mistakes they made throughout their eight years of derp gone wild.

The George W. Bush Library is a hall of lies. Dick Cheney just won’t shut the fuck up about Obama’s “lies,” all the while still pretending that they didn’t ignore warning signs of 9/11, and that the Iraq War was totally a great idea. So my thinking is that maybe if President W. Bush were to break out the oils, brushes and canvas and at least paint a representation of an apology letter for something he cocked-up, maybe the world could heal a little, teeny, tiny bit. It’d still be better

#4. 750,000 Working Jobs

Maybe he’d be into painting stuff of pure fantasy, like the complete and total opposite of the reality he helped to create. When he left office, we were bleeding about three-quarters of a million jobs per month out of our economy. So for this painting suggestion, perhaps Bush could work up a landscape of 750,000 going to work every day. Sure, it would’ve been a lot better of his legacy (not to mention all us plebes out here in the real world) if he had actually helped stimulate the economy instead of keeping taxes so artificially low for the richest among us, but hey — what can ya do?

#3. A Painting of  Him With Dick at Jesus’ Second Coming Party

Apparently Dubya really wants to bring about the end of humanity, you know…for Jesus. Last week the Internet was aglow with rants and discussions about the fact that our 43rd President took meetings with religious fanatics who are on a crusade to convert Jewish people to Christianity in an attempt to bring about Armageddon. Just because we do a lot of satire and humor around here, it’s important to emphasize how the preceding was in no way fictitious. He was actually taking meetings with those kooks.

Bush was to speak at a rally for people who believe in the nuttiness of converting Jews for the sake of ending the world as we know it. So I figured why not hire Bush to conjure up in his mind what it would look like for him and Dick and Cheney to have gotten their wish and overseen the Second Coming of Christ. I’m picturing lots of vibrant, almost neon pinks, aren’t you?

#2. A Restored and Vibrant New Orleans

Of course I’m not blaming Dubya for Hurricane Katrina. I’m not a kooky fundamentalist who thinks human transgressions create natural disasters. Well, unless you consider climate change of course, and in that case we certainly have had a hand in worsening our fate in terms of how Mother Nature treats us. What I am blaming George for, however, was his piss-poor handling of that crisis. Pictures of floating bodies really do drive home how slow moving his administration was in attempting to evacuate people out of that nightmare.

But what’s truly galling is how he didn’t make rebuilding and revitalizing New Orleans and the surrounding areas a top priority. By all accounts there are still massive swaths of that area still abandoned and run-down. Katrina drove away thousands of people from their homes, and in the long term, that has a devastating impact on the economic and cultural vibrancy of  a city. So the least President Bush could do is paint up a picture of what a fully restored New Orleans could look like, had his conscience gotten the better of him in the wake of the worst domestic blunder of his two terms and he’d chosen to make restoring New Orleans his most important project.

#1. The Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction

Hey, at least he could say he finally found ’em! Well, okay, so maybe he didn’t find them, but he could say he “found the inspiration” to paint them, and that’s almost as good as finding the key piece of the story that scared so many Americans into actually going along with the Iraq War, right? And a painting of the WMDs would almost certainly comfort the families and loved ones of the over 4,000 American troops who died, or the untold thousands of Iraqis that perished in that war, right?




James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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